It's a funny old turn of phrase isn't it? Three and a half years on I'm still trying to make sense of this whole grief thing. Time goes on and just when I think I've got a handle on it and I'm moving on Christmas comes along and shatters my whole world to pieces.
I miss her like you wouldn't believe. It's not even her birthday when I'm down the cemetery that makes me upset. her grave's just another place to me now, most people go down to visit her and shed their tears but not me. I think I'm the only one that can't cry for her there, I don't know.
The first few mornings after she died we'd awake from our sleep and for the first few seconds everything would be alright. then the reality of the true horror would hit us and we'd just lay in each other's arms in bed, crying as we realised that she wasn't inside me anymore, she was gone.
It's supposed to get easier in time, isn't it? Every day that passes I become further away from her and each day without her seems harder to bear. I don't know how much harder it has to get before I break into a million tiny pieces.
Recently the prospect of staying asleep has felt like the more preferable option than waking up and deaing with the fact that there will always be an empty space at the dinner table.
The funny thing is I know all the facts; I could probably quote chapter and verse at you the textbook definition of the stages of grief, but none of it seems to fit with me. You can tilt your head to one side and smile at me in that sympathetic way and ofer all the platitudes and wise words and nothing will change the fact that she's never coming back. Nothing you say will make a difference.
I just want to stay in that place when I sleep where I don't have to think, I don't have to "do" - I can just forget. But then surely that'd mean that I'd have forgotten her too, wouldn't it? How could I want to forget my precious daughter, my firstborn.
And how can I stay in that place when I have Jake, who, whilst angry at me for leaving him every day to go out to work is still everything we were working towards when I was carrying Jaia. just reminds me of that Remembrance Sunday quote "remember the dead, but don't forget the living".
I'm so lost it's stupid.
Monday, December 11, 2006
Sunday, December 03, 2006
my feet haven't touched the ground...
... In the last few weeks, I've hardly had 5 minutes to call my own, let alone to post on here! I started my job in London; Jake's gone into full-time childcare which has been a total emotional wrench for both of us and we're now trying to settle into a new routine, mainly consisting on early nights for me and even earlier mornings for Jake.
I'm up before dawn and don't see my son now till after dark - thursday last week he didn't see me at all :( All I got to see of him was when I went into check on him before I went to bed that night.
Lots to learn at the new job - meetings, nowhere near enough training for my liking but I've just got my first appointment and it's at none other than Music Bank Studios - http://www.musicbank.org and although it's not a massive commission (they don't spend all that much on their telecoms) - when I go in there next wednesday I'll be like a kid in a sweetshop looking round it. This year they've had everyone from Robbie Williams, to Kylie, Snow Patrol, Massive Attack and The Darkness. I'm really excited about it (as if you can't tell!).
Keeping this brief as I've got a mountain of work to do to get myself and Jake ready for the morning and Rob's got another job interview tomorrow at 5.
Rob's work's xmas meal is this Thursday and mine is friday the 15th at a bar in The Minories which should be fun.
Keep you posted, when I get the chance!
Ciao
L
x
I'm up before dawn and don't see my son now till after dark - thursday last week he didn't see me at all :( All I got to see of him was when I went into check on him before I went to bed that night.
Lots to learn at the new job - meetings, nowhere near enough training for my liking but I've just got my first appointment and it's at none other than Music Bank Studios - http://www.musicbank.org and although it's not a massive commission (they don't spend all that much on their telecoms) - when I go in there next wednesday I'll be like a kid in a sweetshop looking round it. This year they've had everyone from Robbie Williams, to Kylie, Snow Patrol, Massive Attack and The Darkness. I'm really excited about it (as if you can't tell!).
Keeping this brief as I've got a mountain of work to do to get myself and Jake ready for the morning and Rob's got another job interview tomorrow at 5.
Rob's work's xmas meal is this Thursday and mine is friday the 15th at a bar in The Minories which should be fun.
Keep you posted, when I get the chance!
Ciao
L
x
Monday, November 13, 2006
And Breathe...
So we've had an interesting weekend, went down to Whitstable to stay with my Nan and Grandad and as usual when we're down there Jake went to my Mum's friday night. All was going well until Saturday night when we ended up having a blazing row with my Mum and Stepdad which put a damper on the rest of the proceedings somewhat.
All we wanted was to make sure Jake was safe in their child carseat and my stepdad went ballistic when for the second night in a row I noticed it wasn't fixed in properly and we said we weren't happy for Jake to travel in it until we were satisfied it was secure. I got a tirade of abuse about how he was an engineer and he knew it wasn't going anywhere (it was wobbling about all over the fucking shop) and wouldn't even let me get a torch to try and see if I could secure it any more myself. It seemed to us whenever we specifically asked them to do something while they had Jake in their care there has always been an excuse and this was the straw that broke the camel's back. Having been in a near fatal car accident when I was a child and after losing my firstborn I wasn't about to take a chance with Jake. I basically told them that if they couldn't respect our wishes then we simply wouldn't be happy and relaxed with him in their care anymore, and until that was the case that was the end of it.
I'd just had enough. Rob went round to theirs, collected his travel cot and the rest of his stuff and sat down and told them that up to now he hadn't put his two penneth in as he didn't want to make matters worse but it'd got to the point where it was affecting us and there was no way he was going to let that happen anymore, especially speaking as Jake's father and taking a united front as our own family.
So Mum was giving it all the tears and Roger was somewhat regretting his hasty defensive words and after chatting a bit more to Rob he arrived back at my Nan's where we were staying.
I've already mourned the loss of my mother after he (my stepdad) made her choose between me and him when I was 15 and she chose him. I couldn't care less if I ever saw her again, but I felt that her and Jake had something to gain from having a relationship and put my personal feelings (or lack thereof) to one side.
Neither did I regret one word of what I said, nor apologised for it as far as I'm concerned I meant every word, and stand by my convictions. She was a bad mother to me (with shite taste in men to boot) and I'm not letting my son suffer at her hands, but I'm also not going to make him suffer by not letting him see her at all as I know what it's like to feel lacking in a family relationship.
So I called her that night and explained that all we wanted was for them to respect our wishes and if we ask for something to be done while he's in their care, it is done TO.THE.LETTER. We ask for good reason and that is all they need to know. If they can respect that then there's no problem and bygones are just that.
GAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My mother and father suck. I'm just glad I cut all ties with my father and have one less parent to fight with.
No-one in my family is gonna pull rank with me anymore as I have earned the right as a mother and wife to make my own choices and for them to live with the consequences of their actions.
All we wanted was to make sure Jake was safe in their child carseat and my stepdad went ballistic when for the second night in a row I noticed it wasn't fixed in properly and we said we weren't happy for Jake to travel in it until we were satisfied it was secure. I got a tirade of abuse about how he was an engineer and he knew it wasn't going anywhere (it was wobbling about all over the fucking shop) and wouldn't even let me get a torch to try and see if I could secure it any more myself. It seemed to us whenever we specifically asked them to do something while they had Jake in their care there has always been an excuse and this was the straw that broke the camel's back. Having been in a near fatal car accident when I was a child and after losing my firstborn I wasn't about to take a chance with Jake. I basically told them that if they couldn't respect our wishes then we simply wouldn't be happy and relaxed with him in their care anymore, and until that was the case that was the end of it.
I'd just had enough. Rob went round to theirs, collected his travel cot and the rest of his stuff and sat down and told them that up to now he hadn't put his two penneth in as he didn't want to make matters worse but it'd got to the point where it was affecting us and there was no way he was going to let that happen anymore, especially speaking as Jake's father and taking a united front as our own family.
So Mum was giving it all the tears and Roger was somewhat regretting his hasty defensive words and after chatting a bit more to Rob he arrived back at my Nan's where we were staying.
I've already mourned the loss of my mother after he (my stepdad) made her choose between me and him when I was 15 and she chose him. I couldn't care less if I ever saw her again, but I felt that her and Jake had something to gain from having a relationship and put my personal feelings (or lack thereof) to one side.
Neither did I regret one word of what I said, nor apologised for it as far as I'm concerned I meant every word, and stand by my convictions. She was a bad mother to me (with shite taste in men to boot) and I'm not letting my son suffer at her hands, but I'm also not going to make him suffer by not letting him see her at all as I know what it's like to feel lacking in a family relationship.
So I called her that night and explained that all we wanted was for them to respect our wishes and if we ask for something to be done while he's in their care, it is done TO.THE.LETTER. We ask for good reason and that is all they need to know. If they can respect that then there's no problem and bygones are just that.
GAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My mother and father suck. I'm just glad I cut all ties with my father and have one less parent to fight with.
No-one in my family is gonna pull rank with me anymore as I have earned the right as a mother and wife to make my own choices and for them to live with the consequences of their actions.
Monday, November 06, 2006
Busy busy!
My God, my feet have hardly touched the ground this last week or so! From where I left off with my last post I've been preparing like crazy for the job interview, to the point where on Monday night I put my bits and pieces back in my interview bag and said to Rob "I've done enough". I knew that I was so hideously over-prepared that if I didn't get the job then it certainly wasn't because I didn't know what I was talking about. I was happy with everything that I'd done and when I got into the boardroom for my interview my preconceptions were correct, that the interview was pretty much nothing more than a formality and they offered me the job on the spot.
The surprising thing was that they'd come in and offered me the top figure that I'd asked for in the bracket as my basic salary. When I was talking to them initially they asked me what I was looking for and I gave them a figure that I would be looking for had it been a local job, but had to call them back a couple of days later and tell them that with the extra travelling it'd put a fair amount on top of my childcare when you calculated it annually, and lo and behold they accepted. I know that I could have probably got about another 3 grand as that's the going rate in London, but having no product knowledge was a serious hindrance and I know I'll be in a much better position to get a more substantial payrise further down the line.
So the last few days have been spent ironing out the contract, going out and getting clothes and stuff for work, arranging childcare and making sure Jake and I are ready and prepared for next week.
Saturday however I took a day out of job stuff and with Jake at Nanny and Grandad's we went to see our friends Ben and Heather in Lewisham and about 20 or so of us piled on down to Blackheath to watch their annual firework display and then go back for soup, of which I brought over some of my home made Cream of Potato and Sweetcorn *lickslips*
Jake came back Sunday evening and after initially being really freaked out by all the fireworks banging and popping we turned all the downstairs lights off and stood with him at the lounge window and he watched "all the pretty magic stars" from the safety and comfort of the lounge. We even put a few spare sparklers in the ground and let him watch them burn and we sang "twinkle twinkle little star" as they were sparkling away. We caught his wonderment on videocamera as he just sounded sooooo cute with all his "oooow's" and "ahhhhh's" and the banging on the window when he saw something. Can't wait to take him out next year, when hopefully he'll be a little less frightened of the noise.
Anyhoo, my job starts on Wednesday 15th and Rob's got a training course in London all day which'll mean we can get the train in and home together on my first day.
The surprising thing was that they'd come in and offered me the top figure that I'd asked for in the bracket as my basic salary. When I was talking to them initially they asked me what I was looking for and I gave them a figure that I would be looking for had it been a local job, but had to call them back a couple of days later and tell them that with the extra travelling it'd put a fair amount on top of my childcare when you calculated it annually, and lo and behold they accepted. I know that I could have probably got about another 3 grand as that's the going rate in London, but having no product knowledge was a serious hindrance and I know I'll be in a much better position to get a more substantial payrise further down the line.
So the last few days have been spent ironing out the contract, going out and getting clothes and stuff for work, arranging childcare and making sure Jake and I are ready and prepared for next week.
Saturday however I took a day out of job stuff and with Jake at Nanny and Grandad's we went to see our friends Ben and Heather in Lewisham and about 20 or so of us piled on down to Blackheath to watch their annual firework display and then go back for soup, of which I brought over some of my home made Cream of Potato and Sweetcorn *lickslips*
Jake came back Sunday evening and after initially being really freaked out by all the fireworks banging and popping we turned all the downstairs lights off and stood with him at the lounge window and he watched "all the pretty magic stars" from the safety and comfort of the lounge. We even put a few spare sparklers in the ground and let him watch them burn and we sang "twinkle twinkle little star" as they were sparkling away. We caught his wonderment on videocamera as he just sounded sooooo cute with all his "oooow's" and "ahhhhh's" and the banging on the window when he saw something. Can't wait to take him out next year, when hopefully he'll be a little less frightened of the noise.
Anyhoo, my job starts on Wednesday 15th and Rob's got a training course in London all day which'll mean we can get the train in and home together on my first day.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Job stuff..
Okay, that was totally out of the blue. Just got a call from the company I have an interview at next Tuesday and talk about catch me off guard 
It was from the Big Honcho, who is/was supposed to be co-interviewing me next week and he *might not* be able to be present if he doesn't get back to the office on time. SO... he asks if he can give me a pseudo telephone interview now
So I'm sat in the lounge freaking out, thinking I have had zero time to prepare (the upside being that Jake's asleep so best to strike while the iron's hot). Loads of facts and figures were thrown at me, and it appears that the company are a lot smaller than I initially thought (presently 22 people), but after being in business 4 years they have absolutely no debt. (is this normal??).
Chatted to him for about 20 minutes and he appears to be totally happy for me to go to interview without him present, although it seems to me that this interview appears to be somewhat of a formality and they've pretty much already made their mind up. I think if I do okay on Tuesday I will get offered the job there and then. In all honesty I'm not sure what to say if they offer it to me on the spot as I'm not particularly au fait with current interview etiquette. I'd rather feel like I can go home, discuss the offer package with Rob and take it from there.
I went to see another recruitment agent yesterday with regard to some other jobs that she's put me forward for and she was very enthusiastic about the work I'd done with T4J and thought I'd be very well suited to a marketing/PR role where I can extend my creative wings and to be honest I was rather attracted by the thought. Herein lies the problem...
It was from the Big Honcho, who is/was supposed to be co-interviewing me next week and he *might not* be able to be present if he doesn't get back to the office on time. SO... he asks if he can give me a pseudo telephone interview now So I'm sat in the lounge freaking out, thinking I have had zero time to prepare (the upside being that Jake's asleep so best to strike while the iron's hot). Loads of facts and figures were thrown at me, and it appears that the company are a lot smaller than I initially thought (presently 22 people), but after being in business 4 years they have absolutely no debt. (is this normal??).
Chatted to him for about 20 minutes and he appears to be totally happy for me to go to interview without him present, although it seems to me that this interview appears to be somewhat of a formality and they've pretty much already made their mind up. I think if I do okay on Tuesday I will get offered the job there and then. In all honesty I'm not sure what to say if they offer it to me on the spot as I'm not particularly au fait with current interview etiquette. I'd rather feel like I can go home, discuss the offer package with Rob and take it from there.
I went to see another recruitment agent yesterday with regard to some other jobs that she's put me forward for and she was very enthusiastic about the work I'd done with T4J and thought I'd be very well suited to a marketing/PR role where I can extend my creative wings and to be honest I was rather attracted by the thought. Herein lies the problem...
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Life's simple pleasures
I've just witnessed the loveliest thing. Jake and I went out the front of the house (a walkway) as that's where I usually go to smoke when it's wet as there's a porch and a covered alleyway right next door to me. So we took his football out with us to have a kickabout (he's really quite good for such a young one) and whilst he was throwing the ball around and running after it he happened to notice that if he stepped in water it made a lovely splash.
So there he was, getting soaking wet trousers stomping about in puddles and squealing with delight. I just stood there watching him, giggling to myself as this was the first time he'd ever done it.
A real champagne moment.
So there he was, getting soaking wet trousers stomping about in puddles and squealing with delight. I just stood there watching him, giggling to myself as this was the first time he'd ever done it.
A real champagne moment.
Sunday, October 22, 2006
interesting week...
Not the best of my life by a long stretch, possibly the worst start to a week this year. Monday saw me turning 31 being very ill, so ill that Rob had to take the day off to look after Jake as he had a nasty fever and was all limp and huggy (NOT like him at all). I always know when he's really feeling poorly because most of the time when he's not well he just gets up and gets on with it and is a really happy soul, but whatever was wrong was really making the poor little bugger suffer as he was just lifeless. I was laying down on the sofa and he was just laying with me, not wanting to play or anything.
Rob bought me a car stereo for my birthday and finally I can listen to music in my car again. When I got the car at Christmas it had a Ford Standard cassette deck in there which was fine enough, but the speakers were shite and I could hardly bear to listen to it at the best of times. So I managed to fit some 6 x 9's in that my brother had bought for my birthday present a few years back and I don't know what the problem was but the sound was horrendous - SO much worse than before. I gave up listening to anything in the car for a few months and so to get this CD player in was like a dream come true! I love my music, and as much as Rob and I have in common, he just can't stand to listen to my old heavy metal music (i like my old Megadeth CD's!) and my cheesy 80's stuff. Anyhoo, mostly this week I have been churning it all out, much to Jake's delight - he's a proper little rocker in the making and I even have my old 1st leather jacket in the airing cupboard waiting for him; and I'm absolutely dying to buy him some DM's... I live for the day (Rob's juat had to have some for work and shock horror! Even he thinks they're comfy as fcuk!).
Tuesday, well you can see from my last post that it was possibly the shittiest day for a long, long time. Wednesday I spent in a haze of tiredness and suicidal depression with my neighbour (feeling near enough the same), counting the hours till our respective husbands finally came home from work and by Thursday I was so glad to be nearing the end of the week it wasn't funny. Friday we (Rob, Jake and I) went out with Rob's parents to Waterfront Place in Chelmsford for my long-awaited birthday meal (it somehow fell by the wayside last year and I was dying to go back to this place) and we had a lovely time, with the single most divine pudding I have ever tasted in my life (have a look on the menu at the peanut butter thingy *Yum yum*), eating that made all my troubles disappear - just for a short time!
Saturday was a lazy day at Rob's Mum and Dad's, and Jakey had a lovely time helping Nanny and Grandad with the gardening: -
Last night was spent round at Claire's with a gaggle of girls as she was having an Ann Summers party. Normally I'd rather poke hot needles in my eyes (all-female groups make me very nervous) but I knew I had to go and although the rep was nowhere near as animated as any of the AS reps I've ever seen we had fun, and in the spirit of getting Claire a free gift I booked a party myself. Like I said, normally I'd rather poke myself in the eye with something hot and sharp but I reckon if you're with likeminded people (especially the sort like me that don't like gaggles of girly girls), then you make the evening what it is - the lingerie and cringeworthy games can be just a sideline or a small part of the experience.
This morning was interesting. Got up, came downstairs in my usual half-blind state, and when I went outside for my usual morning cigarette I could see one of our cats (Leia) acting very strangely by the back wall of the house. Upon closer inspection it transpired she'd captured a frog and I could see it was injured. I didn't want to just let it go as it had a nasty gash down it's side and also Leia had punctured the skin on it's head too. After gloving up and putting it into a lidded propagator for safety I called Claire to see what she thought. Her initial reaction was to bathe it in some very diluted antiseptic but I could see it was too serious to leave it at that so I set about calling the RSPCA, who said they'd get someone to come out and collect Hoppy at some point today.
So the rest of the day has mostly involved being knackered and lazing around trying not to do too much, but still getting knackered out in the process (WTF?? How does that work?). Made a really different lunch today, inspired by a trip to Ikea on Friday for some knobs for a friend where I bought some of their Swedish meatballs and sauce (food at Ikea? Whatever next). Just as I put the homemade potato cakes in the oven the lady from the RSPCA came to collect Hoppy and much to my horror it looked like the cut on his side had got worse from him trying to leap out of the propagator. Unless I just hadn't seen it fully when I picked him up the cut now stretched right the way across his stomach, the poor little thing. The cut wasn't so deep that his blood and guts were coming out so I really hope that he was saveable. It's really been on my mind today as I hate to see injured animals. I know that I did the best I could for him - I just hope that he'll live to appreciate it and go on to have lots more little frogspawn and tadpoles and name them after me or something.
When the lady left we got Jake up from his nap we all sat down to sunday lunch together. Nothing out of the ordinary for most people but we usually eat in the evening and have a light lunch in the day so all sat round the coffee table in the lounge together with Jake in his little "big boys" chair (as opposed to his high chair) and us flanking him he was chatting away with us, babbling Dog knows what. It was a lovely experience and one I hope to repeat on a more regular basis, especially now he's development is coming on in leaps and bounds.
He's stringing words together now too, "knock knock" for Nanny and Grandad's front door with the loud knocker, and I could've sworn he said "oh shit" on saturday (time to watch our language methinks). "More" and "Ta" go hand in hand as he's learning cause and effect. I just can't believe my son's no longer my baby anymore and is growing into a lovely charming young boy.
I'm so proud.
Rob bought me a car stereo for my birthday and finally I can listen to music in my car again. When I got the car at Christmas it had a Ford Standard cassette deck in there which was fine enough, but the speakers were shite and I could hardly bear to listen to it at the best of times. So I managed to fit some 6 x 9's in that my brother had bought for my birthday present a few years back and I don't know what the problem was but the sound was horrendous - SO much worse than before. I gave up listening to anything in the car for a few months and so to get this CD player in was like a dream come true! I love my music, and as much as Rob and I have in common, he just can't stand to listen to my old heavy metal music (i like my old Megadeth CD's!) and my cheesy 80's stuff. Anyhoo, mostly this week I have been churning it all out, much to Jake's delight - he's a proper little rocker in the making and I even have my old 1st leather jacket in the airing cupboard waiting for him; and I'm absolutely dying to buy him some DM's... I live for the day (Rob's juat had to have some for work and shock horror! Even he thinks they're comfy as fcuk!).
Tuesday, well you can see from my last post that it was possibly the shittiest day for a long, long time. Wednesday I spent in a haze of tiredness and suicidal depression with my neighbour (feeling near enough the same), counting the hours till our respective husbands finally came home from work and by Thursday I was so glad to be nearing the end of the week it wasn't funny. Friday we (Rob, Jake and I) went out with Rob's parents to Waterfront Place in Chelmsford for my long-awaited birthday meal (it somehow fell by the wayside last year and I was dying to go back to this place) and we had a lovely time, with the single most divine pudding I have ever tasted in my life (have a look on the menu at the peanut butter thingy *Yum yum*), eating that made all my troubles disappear - just for a short time!
Saturday was a lazy day at Rob's Mum and Dad's, and Jakey had a lovely time helping Nanny and Grandad with the gardening: -
Last night was spent round at Claire's with a gaggle of girls as she was having an Ann Summers party. Normally I'd rather poke hot needles in my eyes (all-female groups make me very nervous) but I knew I had to go and although the rep was nowhere near as animated as any of the AS reps I've ever seen we had fun, and in the spirit of getting Claire a free gift I booked a party myself. Like I said, normally I'd rather poke myself in the eye with something hot and sharp but I reckon if you're with likeminded people (especially the sort like me that don't like gaggles of girly girls), then you make the evening what it is - the lingerie and cringeworthy games can be just a sideline or a small part of the experience.This morning was interesting. Got up, came downstairs in my usual half-blind state, and when I went outside for my usual morning cigarette I could see one of our cats (Leia) acting very strangely by the back wall of the house. Upon closer inspection it transpired she'd captured a frog and I could see it was injured. I didn't want to just let it go as it had a nasty gash down it's side and also Leia had punctured the skin on it's head too. After gloving up and putting it into a lidded propagator for safety I called Claire to see what she thought. Her initial reaction was to bathe it in some very diluted antiseptic but I could see it was too serious to leave it at that so I set about calling the RSPCA, who said they'd get someone to come out and collect Hoppy at some point today.
So the rest of the day has mostly involved being knackered and lazing around trying not to do too much, but still getting knackered out in the process (WTF?? How does that work?). Made a really different lunch today, inspired by a trip to Ikea on Friday for some knobs for a friend where I bought some of their Swedish meatballs and sauce (food at Ikea? Whatever next). Just as I put the homemade potato cakes in the oven the lady from the RSPCA came to collect Hoppy and much to my horror it looked like the cut on his side had got worse from him trying to leap out of the propagator. Unless I just hadn't seen it fully when I picked him up the cut now stretched right the way across his stomach, the poor little thing. The cut wasn't so deep that his blood and guts were coming out so I really hope that he was saveable. It's really been on my mind today as I hate to see injured animals. I know that I did the best I could for him - I just hope that he'll live to appreciate it and go on to have lots more little frogspawn and tadpoles and name them after me or something.
When the lady left we got Jake up from his nap we all sat down to sunday lunch together. Nothing out of the ordinary for most people but we usually eat in the evening and have a light lunch in the day so all sat round the coffee table in the lounge together with Jake in his little "big boys" chair (as opposed to his high chair) and us flanking him he was chatting away with us, babbling Dog knows what. It was a lovely experience and one I hope to repeat on a more regular basis, especially now he's development is coming on in leaps and bounds.
He's stringing words together now too, "knock knock" for Nanny and Grandad's front door with the loud knocker, and I could've sworn he said "oh shit" on saturday (time to watch our language methinks). "More" and "Ta" go hand in hand as he's learning cause and effect. I just can't believe my son's no longer my baby anymore and is growing into a lovely charming young boy.
I'm so proud.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Crap, crap, crap
Yesterday I turned 31, not normally something that bothers me, but I start to take exception when I get ill on my birthday. I was so bad that Rob had to take the day off work to look after Jake, who was running a temperature and feeling sorry for himself all day (well I guess that makes 2 of us). I love birthdays I do, and as a rule I celebrate them from the weekend before to the weekend after and I spent all day feeling sick as a dog with an arse like a wet racecourse.
You can imagine that didn't please me too much and if yesterday I thought I couldn't feel any worse, today sure came up and bit me on the arse - it was SOOOO much worse
[selfindulgent rant] For the last 6 weeks or so I have been trying to find a job, a big step for me after being unable to work due to mental illness for many years. I have taken each knock back and rejection on the chin and last friday I was offered some temporary work for really crappy money (after childcare I would be earning less than £2 an hour), but the hours were do-able and I thought it might be a good career move as it would get something up to date on my CV (resume). I called the agency up and told them I was interested but I couldn't start on Monday as it was my birthday and already had plans. They said that's ok as there were a few that were starting on Tuesday and we'd just start our training then.
So I hauled myself out of my sick bed yesterday to go down to the agency and fill out all the official paperwork that took over an HOUR *chunder* No birthday meal for me with the family as I was so ill. Birthday ruined.
Anyways, skip to this morning and Jake had me awake at 5am but did go back to sleep(he doesn't normally rise until between 8 and 9am, so with an ill mum that's a shock to the system) and thankfully I did, Rob had to get up for work at 5:30 and after he left I had to get up and get myself and the little man up at 7 and out the door to get to my childminders' for 8:30. I did all this spectacularly well (surprisingly enough as i'm SOOO not a morning person) and managed to get to the office for 9:20am, 40 minutes early.
After showing my ID and filling out all the forms and getting my security pass I head down the road to get a coffee. I arrived back in good time and wait to be collected with another new starter. The bloke turns up and tells us that there's been "some sort of mix-up" and we wouldn't be able to work as we were ALL supposed to start on Monday. Not only was I pissed off about just been rejected for potentially 6 WHOLE FUCKING WEEKS work, I had just had to spend all my birthday money on clothes for this sodding job, pay for 2 taxis there and back (Rob had my car as his was in the garage today) AND arrange childcare at literally a moment's notice, I'd been pulling rabbits out of hats all weekend, and for WHAT???
So I try and get my head into positive mode and think "hey, at least the bad luck's just happened to me, Rob should get all the good luck for hs really important job interview today" - the law of balance and all that.
So I leave it as long as I can before I call Rob at work and give him the bad news. He goes off to his interview and around 4pm (the time that he was supposed to be going in) Claire and I are sitting in her lounge, her holding my engagement ring and me holding my wedding ring and I'm chanting for good luck. 4:30pm THE PHONE RINGS and I know it's not good news. This position had previously been held by a friend of ours that has now migrated to Spain and he knew that Rob could do this job standing on his head blindfolded. The pay difference between where he works now and this place was a lifechanging amount - potentially almost twice his regular salary. So knowing how much this means to our family is just untold amounts of pressure on my poor hubby - which he doesn't deal with too well at the best of times. Anyways he gets in the interview, they start asking questions and he just blanks out. Eventually he regretfully gives them his apologies and says that his nerves have gotten the better of him and leaves.
AS.IF.OUR.DAY.CAN'T.GET.ANY.WORSE...
Rob calls me up outside and breaks the news to me. I'm dying inside by this time and I am thinking that I want the day over and done with NOW. Rob says he's got to go and collect his car from the garage so he's gonna get the train and go get it. So I get a phonecall sometime later to tell me that the brake pads and discs needed replacing and they were working on it now. Thing is Rob had only just changed the pads less than 2 weeks ago, but he hadn't realised that the discs were shagged and that they would damage the new pads.
This has now cost us £110, for what we thought would only cost us £40.
So this has officially been the worst week this year and the worst birthday for a long time.
[/self indulgent rant]
You can imagine that didn't please me too much and if yesterday I thought I couldn't feel any worse, today sure came up and bit me on the arse - it was SOOOO much worse
[selfindulgent rant] For the last 6 weeks or so I have been trying to find a job, a big step for me after being unable to work due to mental illness for many years. I have taken each knock back and rejection on the chin and last friday I was offered some temporary work for really crappy money (after childcare I would be earning less than £2 an hour), but the hours were do-able and I thought it might be a good career move as it would get something up to date on my CV (resume). I called the agency up and told them I was interested but I couldn't start on Monday as it was my birthday and already had plans. They said that's ok as there were a few that were starting on Tuesday and we'd just start our training then.
So I hauled myself out of my sick bed yesterday to go down to the agency and fill out all the official paperwork that took over an HOUR *chunder* No birthday meal for me with the family as I was so ill. Birthday ruined.
Anyways, skip to this morning and Jake had me awake at 5am but did go back to sleep(he doesn't normally rise until between 8 and 9am, so with an ill mum that's a shock to the system) and thankfully I did, Rob had to get up for work at 5:30 and after he left I had to get up and get myself and the little man up at 7 and out the door to get to my childminders' for 8:30. I did all this spectacularly well (surprisingly enough as i'm SOOO not a morning person) and managed to get to the office for 9:20am, 40 minutes early.
After showing my ID and filling out all the forms and getting my security pass I head down the road to get a coffee. I arrived back in good time and wait to be collected with another new starter. The bloke turns up and tells us that there's been "some sort of mix-up" and we wouldn't be able to work as we were ALL supposed to start on Monday. Not only was I pissed off about just been rejected for potentially 6 WHOLE FUCKING WEEKS work, I had just had to spend all my birthday money on clothes for this sodding job, pay for 2 taxis there and back (Rob had my car as his was in the garage today) AND arrange childcare at literally a moment's notice, I'd been pulling rabbits out of hats all weekend, and for WHAT???
So I try and get my head into positive mode and think "hey, at least the bad luck's just happened to me, Rob should get all the good luck for hs really important job interview today" - the law of balance and all that.
So I leave it as long as I can before I call Rob at work and give him the bad news. He goes off to his interview and around 4pm (the time that he was supposed to be going in) Claire and I are sitting in her lounge, her holding my engagement ring and me holding my wedding ring and I'm chanting for good luck. 4:30pm THE PHONE RINGS and I know it's not good news. This position had previously been held by a friend of ours that has now migrated to Spain and he knew that Rob could do this job standing on his head blindfolded. The pay difference between where he works now and this place was a lifechanging amount - potentially almost twice his regular salary. So knowing how much this means to our family is just untold amounts of pressure on my poor hubby - which he doesn't deal with too well at the best of times. Anyways he gets in the interview, they start asking questions and he just blanks out. Eventually he regretfully gives them his apologies and says that his nerves have gotten the better of him and leaves.
AS.IF.OUR.DAY.CAN'T.GET.ANY.WORSE...
Rob calls me up outside and breaks the news to me. I'm dying inside by this time and I am thinking that I want the day over and done with NOW. Rob says he's got to go and collect his car from the garage so he's gonna get the train and go get it. So I get a phonecall sometime later to tell me that the brake pads and discs needed replacing and they were working on it now. Thing is Rob had only just changed the pads less than 2 weeks ago, but he hadn't realised that the discs were shagged and that they would damage the new pads.
This has now cost us £110, for what we thought would only cost us £40.
So this has officially been the worst week this year and the worst birthday for a long time.
[/self indulgent rant]
Thursday, October 12, 2006
cool picture...
I was inspired to post this by another person's photo blog. I took Jake to the park late afternoon and as we were leaving the sun was setting over the lake and all the Swans, Ducks and Geese were right up close to us so I got my trusty camera phone out and snapped this.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
A little background...
I wrote this in a "baby names" topic on a Bulletin Board earlier and thought it might be a good idea to copy and paste it onto here so as to elucidate a little about Jaia, our daughter who died shortly after birth in June 2003: -
I can't help but love my late daughter's name. When I was pregnant in 2003 we'd decided Jake Robert Thomas (all my family have 2 middle names) for a boy, and Tegan Angel Rubina for a girl, all the names except for Jake were after people that were special to us: -
Jake was just cos we liked it, couldn't find a family name we wanted to use as a christian name.
Robert (my husband)
Thomas (my grandfather)
Tegan (after my friend Tina Egan who died) it means beautiful in Welsh.
Angel (her daughter, another good friend who was partially responsible for hubby and I meeting)
Rubina (my oh so precious nan. Couldn't use Ruby as my oldest friend had already named her daughter Ruby much to my chagrin).
I gave birth to my daughter on June 25th 2003 after a very quick labour and as I looked at her I realised that it wasn't Tegan, after setting my heart on the name it just wasn't her.
20 minutes after she was born she died. We spent all day in a mixture of grief and burning to give our daughter a name and I remembered I loved the name of a lady I had gone to a pre-natal aquarobics class with. Her name was Jaya (pron. Jae-a) and I remember scouring the internet after meeting her and stumbling across a more beautiful version of her name - Jaia (rhymes with liar without the "r"), coincidentally it meant the same thing as Tegan, which came as something of a random surprise. Initially we decided against Jaia on the grounds that we wanted to name our daughter in loving memory of my friend Tina Egan.
In the short time that our daughter was alive before the umbilical cord was cut we had an amazing telepathic experience together. Rob, the midwife and myself understood that there was a problem and we had already called an ambulance and were waiting for it to arrive.
Rob was understandably worried but Jaia was telling me she was okay, she wasn't hurting and she wasn't scared. She was so peaceful, and as I looked at her I knew she was a very old soul and it wasn't the first time she'd been here. She was reassuring me that everything was as it should be and not to worry. I didn't know that her fragile little body was fighting for it's life but I did know that she was at peace.
Nothing will ever change my mind from the fact that you and your baby can communicate without speech when you're still attached, and I'm almost certain that if things were meant to be different we'd have been well tuned into each other anyways. Rob and I spontaneously visited a statue of Buddha the day after Jaia's funeral and I sat down in front of him quietly, just taking it all in. I'd not been there long at all and someone or something other-worldly said to me; "Jaia came to tell you that Tegan's not ready yet." I'm a firm believer in the fact that sometimes things are just "meant to be", and although it doesn't make it hurt any less, it helped me to accept it a lot easier.
After the funeral I was talking to a very wise friend and she asked me why we chose Jaia, and I told her. Afterwards she then went onto explain that she had (unknowingly) been named after a Goddess of Peacefulness. I think her name chose her, and it was every bit as beautiful as she, my Jaia Angel.
Fast forward to now, and Jake Robert Thomas is a very heathy, very happy 18 month old spirited toddler with a wicked sense of humour who'd never have been here so soon had Tegan been "ready".
I can't help but love my late daughter's name. When I was pregnant in 2003 we'd decided Jake Robert Thomas (all my family have 2 middle names) for a boy, and Tegan Angel Rubina for a girl, all the names except for Jake were after people that were special to us: -
Jake was just cos we liked it, couldn't find a family name we wanted to use as a christian name.
Robert (my husband)
Thomas (my grandfather)
Tegan (after my friend Tina Egan who died) it means beautiful in Welsh.
Angel (her daughter, another good friend who was partially responsible for hubby and I meeting)
Rubina (my oh so precious nan. Couldn't use Ruby as my oldest friend had already named her daughter Ruby much to my chagrin).
I gave birth to my daughter on June 25th 2003 after a very quick labour and as I looked at her I realised that it wasn't Tegan, after setting my heart on the name it just wasn't her.
20 minutes after she was born she died. We spent all day in a mixture of grief and burning to give our daughter a name and I remembered I loved the name of a lady I had gone to a pre-natal aquarobics class with. Her name was Jaya (pron. Jae-a) and I remember scouring the internet after meeting her and stumbling across a more beautiful version of her name - Jaia (rhymes with liar without the "r"), coincidentally it meant the same thing as Tegan, which came as something of a random surprise. Initially we decided against Jaia on the grounds that we wanted to name our daughter in loving memory of my friend Tina Egan.
In the short time that our daughter was alive before the umbilical cord was cut we had an amazing telepathic experience together. Rob, the midwife and myself understood that there was a problem and we had already called an ambulance and were waiting for it to arrive.
Rob was understandably worried but Jaia was telling me she was okay, she wasn't hurting and she wasn't scared. She was so peaceful, and as I looked at her I knew she was a very old soul and it wasn't the first time she'd been here. She was reassuring me that everything was as it should be and not to worry. I didn't know that her fragile little body was fighting for it's life but I did know that she was at peace.
Nothing will ever change my mind from the fact that you and your baby can communicate without speech when you're still attached, and I'm almost certain that if things were meant to be different we'd have been well tuned into each other anyways. Rob and I spontaneously visited a statue of Buddha the day after Jaia's funeral and I sat down in front of him quietly, just taking it all in. I'd not been there long at all and someone or something other-worldly said to me; "Jaia came to tell you that Tegan's not ready yet." I'm a firm believer in the fact that sometimes things are just "meant to be", and although it doesn't make it hurt any less, it helped me to accept it a lot easier.
After the funeral I was talking to a very wise friend and she asked me why we chose Jaia, and I told her. Afterwards she then went onto explain that she had (unknowingly) been named after a Goddess of Peacefulness. I think her name chose her, and it was every bit as beautiful as she, my Jaia Angel.
Fast forward to now, and Jake Robert Thomas is a very heathy, very happy 18 month old spirited toddler with a wicked sense of humour who'd never have been here so soon had Tegan been "ready".
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
ROFPML
| Your Five Factor Personality Profile |
 Extroversion: You have high extroversion. You are outgoing and engaging, with both strangers and friends. You truly enjoy being with people and bring energy into any situation. Enthusiastic and fun, you're the first to say "let's go!" Conscientiousness: You have medium conscientiousness. You're generally good at balancing work and play. When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done. But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it. Agreeableness: You have low agreeableness. Your self interest comes first, and others come later, if at all. In general, you feel that people are not to be trusted. And you're skeptical that anyone else really feels differently. Neuroticism: You have medium neuroticism. You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic. Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy. Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is high. In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas. You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits. A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything. |
Some of those are spot on, but agreeableness? WTF??? I just didn't check the boxes cos the questions were too non-specific. I'm the last person to be accused of being un-agreeable, I'm always worrying about other people... Too much sometimes.
WALO Blx hehehe
and Rob's is just SO on the fence he's just had to leave the room to remove the splinters from his arse (as per usual!): -
| Your Five Factor Personality Profile |
Extroversion: You have medium extroversion. You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party. Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences. But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time." Conscientiousness: You have medium conscientiousness. You're generally good at balancing work and play. When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done. But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it. Agreeableness: You have medium agreeableness. You're generally a friendly and trusting person. But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism. You get along well with others, as long as they play fair. Neuroticism: You have medium neuroticism. You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic. Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy. Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is low. You're a pretty conservative person, and you favor what's socially acceptable. You think that change for novelty's sake is a very bad idea. While some may see this as boring, many see you as dependable and wise. |
hahaha
Sunday, October 08, 2006
In the wars
Not once, but twice today: -
He fell outside in the garden this morning before I got up while he was playing with his new football and split his bottom lip, then about 3/4 of an hour ago he was trying to climb down the back step to go and play in the garden he stacked it again and gave himself a matching fat top lip too and a coule of little grazes above and below his left eye. Instantly he rushed to Rob for cuddles and wouldn't let me near him (WTF is that all about?), so I set about getting some cotton wool and salted boiled water (ouch!) to clean it up with. Had a change of heart and ran down the local shop for some TCP and Savlon and picked up some Magic Stars for the brave little soldier.
So after protestation I cleaned him up and he's been sitting with Daddy eating his chocolate, making the direct association between the glow in the dark stars we have on the ceiling (left over from our housewarming 2 years ago!), his picture from toddler group with a big yellow star on it, some beaded bracelets with stars and his chocolate ones too. So while it was a sad moment for the Jakester it was a proud moment for Mummy and Daddy that he'd made the connection.
As I was running down the shop I realised I had known this was going to happen by way of premonition. I was in Tesco last week and picked up a bottle of Dettol thinking to myself "I really should get one of these as I'm likely to need it to clean Jake up at some point". I shouldn't be surprised as this happens more than I care to remember but being the skeptic that I am it always comes up and bites me on the arse...
Just called NHS Direct as he's had a few spots come up on him too, maybe as a result of his Pneumococcal vaccine that he had on Thursday. There are a few groups of isolated single or double spots. One on his left cheek, two on the back of his left shoulder and a couple of them down on the left of his back towards his nappy. Did the glass test and it was fine - no signs of light sensitivity or stiff neck/headache so I'm pretty sure it's not the dreaded "big M". Spoke to the nurse at NHS direct and she just gave me the usual "keep your eye on him, call us if anything changes".
Well Rob's been sitting on the floor playing with him (still not wanting to know me really) and he just leant over, puckered up and gave him a kiss - first time he's ever puckered up as opposed to the whole *open mouth* "ahhhhh"-type kiss.
So I was feeling really upset and dejected as he's been totally unresponsive to me most of the day so far; at worst he usually runs over to see me and give me a hug if I've been the one having a lie-in that day, and not a sausage. Anyway, Rob went into the kitchen to get Jake's bottle ready for his nap, came back in and said "come on Jakey, time for your nap - say night-night to Mummy" and he walked over to me, puckered up and gave me a kiss.
So I'm in tears now, tears of happiness at the simplest of things. The sweetest gesture from a son to his mother. I love my family. LOTS.
I just wish there wasn't an empty place at the dinner table cos Jaia would have made our family perfect.
He fell outside in the garden this morning before I got up while he was playing with his new football and split his bottom lip, then about 3/4 of an hour ago he was trying to climb down the back step to go and play in the garden he stacked it again and gave himself a matching fat top lip too and a coule of little grazes above and below his left eye. Instantly he rushed to Rob for cuddles and wouldn't let me near him (WTF is that all about?), so I set about getting some cotton wool and salted boiled water (ouch!) to clean it up with. Had a change of heart and ran down the local shop for some TCP and Savlon and picked up some Magic Stars for the brave little soldier.
So after protestation I cleaned him up and he's been sitting with Daddy eating his chocolate, making the direct association between the glow in the dark stars we have on the ceiling (left over from our housewarming 2 years ago!), his picture from toddler group with a big yellow star on it, some beaded bracelets with stars and his chocolate ones too. So while it was a sad moment for the Jakester it was a proud moment for Mummy and Daddy that he'd made the connection.
As I was running down the shop I realised I had known this was going to happen by way of premonition. I was in Tesco last week and picked up a bottle of Dettol thinking to myself "I really should get one of these as I'm likely to need it to clean Jake up at some point". I shouldn't be surprised as this happens more than I care to remember but being the skeptic that I am it always comes up and bites me on the arse...
Just called NHS Direct as he's had a few spots come up on him too, maybe as a result of his Pneumococcal vaccine that he had on Thursday. There are a few groups of isolated single or double spots. One on his left cheek, two on the back of his left shoulder and a couple of them down on the left of his back towards his nappy. Did the glass test and it was fine - no signs of light sensitivity or stiff neck/headache so I'm pretty sure it's not the dreaded "big M". Spoke to the nurse at NHS direct and she just gave me the usual "keep your eye on him, call us if anything changes".
Well Rob's been sitting on the floor playing with him (still not wanting to know me really) and he just leant over, puckered up and gave him a kiss - first time he's ever puckered up as opposed to the whole *open mouth* "ahhhhh"-type kiss.
So I was feeling really upset and dejected as he's been totally unresponsive to me most of the day so far; at worst he usually runs over to see me and give me a hug if I've been the one having a lie-in that day, and not a sausage. Anyway, Rob went into the kitchen to get Jake's bottle ready for his nap, came back in and said "come on Jakey, time for your nap - say night-night to Mummy" and he walked over to me, puckered up and gave me a kiss.
So I'm in tears now, tears of happiness at the simplest of things. The sweetest gesture from a son to his mother. I love my family. LOTS.
I just wish there wasn't an empty place at the dinner table cos Jaia would have made our family perfect.
Saturday, October 07, 2006
Piccies of the week
So here are my favourite photos from the last week: -
This one is from last Saturday when my brother Michael took us into town and decided to spoil Jake. He bought him a nice purple hoody (as modelled in the photo) a grey and purple long-sleeved T-shirt a pair of green crocodile wellies and a Thomas The Tank Engine rugby-style shirt that jake chose himself. When this picture was taken Jake (being a first generation Bazz-ite) had taken it upon himself to steal uncle Micky's baseball cap and put it on his own head... Thug! He'll be nicking cars and mugging grannies before we know it! The Thomas rugby shirt he chose is being modelled in the 1st photowhoring picture just a little further below in last weekend's post.
The second one was from Monday when Jake and Isobel went to playgroup together and Jake was lagging so she decided to gee him up a bit. We'd suggested she go and hold his hand but Queen Bel-Bels decided that in her infinite wisdom and power she'd grab hold of his reins and say "Come On Jakey" and tug him there herself!
Jake and I went round to Claire's and Jake and Isobel were playing with her Mr Potato Heads and Jake's suddenly picked up on the fact that Mr Potato Head has glasses, like his Nannies do, so he thought it'd be funny if he put them on too (or, at least get Mummy to put them on him).
This one is from last Saturday when my brother Michael took us into town and decided to spoil Jake. He bought him a nice purple hoody (as modelled in the photo) a grey and purple long-sleeved T-shirt a pair of green crocodile wellies and a Thomas The Tank Engine rugby-style shirt that jake chose himself. When this picture was taken Jake (being a first generation Bazz-ite) had taken it upon himself to steal uncle Micky's baseball cap and put it on his own head... Thug! He'll be nicking cars and mugging grannies before we know it! The Thomas rugby shirt he chose is being modelled in the 1st photowhoring picture just a little further below in last weekend's post.
The second one was from Monday when Jake and Isobel went to playgroup together and Jake was lagging so she decided to gee him up a bit. We'd suggested she go and hold his hand but Queen Bel-Bels decided that in her infinite wisdom and power she'd grab hold of his reins and say "Come On Jakey" and tug him there herself!
Jake and I went round to Claire's and Jake and Isobel were playing with her Mr Potato Heads and Jake's suddenly picked up on the fact that Mr Potato Head has glasses, like his Nannies do, so he thought it'd be funny if he put them on too (or, at least get Mummy to put them on him).
Friday, October 06, 2006
Thank Dog it's Friday...
It's been a funky week here, I'm [i]so[/i] glad it's over. I'm falling apart, My RSI/tendonitis is playing up in my left wrist (thanks to Dad for the childhooh abuse), I pulled a muscle in my back in my sleep the other night and I had to have an x-ray on my right foot last friday cos of a pokey-outey bone just above my arch. It's been pokey-outey as long as I can remember but up till now it's only given me grief when I've done loads of walking. Now it's just flared up for no reason at all, except the reason I reckon is it's my birthday in just over a week and "The Powers That Be"(tm) have decided in their infinite wisdom to remind me that I'm not some lithe little twenty-something anymore (not that I was any more lithe and little in my twenties than I am now) and should start acting my age.
So couple this up with chasing round after a toddler all week I'm feeling pukka thankyouverymuch.
Jobhunting seems to have got me nowhere this week either, Jake's had his pneumococcal (sp?) vaccination and was a very brave boy - so brave that Janet "the-nurse-who's-as-mad-as-a-box-of-frogs" gave him two stickers. although if truth be told I think Mummy earned one of them cos ths was the first time she had to take Jakey into get a jab (she doesn't like them needles), and he did squirm a little when I heard a squishy noise coming from the needle *ewwwww* [i]*shudders[/i].
I reckon it's getting near the time where we start to introduce a potty into the house as he's making associations between the verbal noise "psss-psss" and the toilet. He's been au fait with that for a couple of weeks now and last night when Rob was doing the bathtime-bedtime routine with him the bath was running, they were stripped down (just block the mental images) and Rob was going to the loo. At this point Jake made the usual "psss-psss" noise and then when rob had finished and followed Jake into the bathroom Jake just stood there, said "psss-psss" and peed on the floor. Now most people would just think *[i]nice[/i]* (as Rob did, so consequently didn't tell me till later) but when he did tell me I said that it was a huge milestone - Jake making the association between a sound, a place and HIS OWN bodily function. It was a proud moment for me when I heard!
So like I said before, it's been a funky week (hence the funky pumpkin orange font); Claire and I are looking into horseriding, Rob's been cooking (twice, and not beans on toast either!), I STILL haven't got a job (prolly just as well considering I'm aching everywhere at various points) and Jake needs a potty or two...
I can't [i]wait[/i] to see what the weekend brings, can you? [i]*edit* Who needs to wait? The bloody font size has a gremlin in it already, pfft! and it's not even friday the 13th yet...
So couple this up with chasing round after a toddler all week I'm feeling pukka thankyouverymuch.
Jobhunting seems to have got me nowhere this week either, Jake's had his pneumococcal (sp?) vaccination and was a very brave boy - so brave that Janet "the-nurse-who's-as-mad-as-a-box-of-frogs" gave him two stickers. although if truth be told I think Mummy earned one of them cos ths was the first time she had to take Jakey into get a jab (she doesn't like them needles), and he did squirm a little when I heard a squishy noise coming from the needle *ewwwww* [i]*shudders[/i].
I reckon it's getting near the time where we start to introduce a potty into the house as he's making associations between the verbal noise "psss-psss" and the toilet. He's been au fait with that for a couple of weeks now and last night when Rob was doing the bathtime-bedtime routine with him the bath was running, they were stripped down (just block the mental images) and Rob was going to the loo. At this point Jake made the usual "psss-psss" noise and then when rob had finished and followed Jake into the bathroom Jake just stood there, said "psss-psss" and peed on the floor. Now most people would just think *[i]nice[/i]* (as Rob did, so consequently didn't tell me till later) but when he did tell me I said that it was a huge milestone - Jake making the association between a sound, a place and HIS OWN bodily function. It was a proud moment for me when I heard!
So like I said before, it's been a funky week (hence the funky pumpkin orange font); Claire and I are looking into horseriding, Rob's been cooking (twice, and not beans on toast either!), I STILL haven't got a job (prolly just as well considering I'm aching everywhere at various points) and Jake needs a potty or two...
I can't [i]wait[/i] to see what the weekend brings, can you? [i]*edit* Who needs to wait? The bloody font size has a gremlin in it already, pfft! and it's not even friday the 13th yet...
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Time for some photowhoring...
And with that header I take great pleasure in introducing my son Jake to you all: -
and I have to be tremendously grateful to Rob for seizing the moment earlier in his Nan's kitchen and taking this wicked photo. It really captures his cheeky side whilst showing you lot that I actually produced something THIS CUTE from the fruit of my very own ovaries...
*takes a bow*
and I have to be tremendously grateful to Rob for seizing the moment earlier in his Nan's kitchen and taking this wicked photo. It really captures his cheeky side whilst showing you lot that I actually produced something THIS CUTE from the fruit of my very own ovaries...
*takes a bow*
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Made For Each Other!
Apparently I'm a Newborn Soul: -
And Rob's a Dreaming Soul: -
So tell us something we didn't already know! How is it that I never seem to have too much time on my hands but I always seem to make it look like I do?
*ponders*
| You Are a Newborn Soul |
 You are tolerant, accepting, and willing to give anyone a chance. On the flip side, you're easy to read and easily influenced by others. You have a fresh perspective on life, and you can be very creative. Noconformist and nontraditional, you've never met anyone who's like you. Inventive and artistic, you like to be a trendsetter. You have an upbeat spirit and you like almost everything. You make friends easily and often have long standing friendships. Implusive and trusting, you fall in love a little too easily. Souls you are most compatible with: Bright Star Soul and Dreaming Soul |
And Rob's a Dreaming Soul: -
| You Are a Dreaming Soul |
 Your vivid emotions and imagination takes you away from this world So much so that you tend to live in your head most of the time You have great dreams and ambitions that could be the envy of all... But for you, following through with your dreams is a bit difficult You are charming, endearing, and people tend to love you. Forgiving and tolerant, you see the world through rose colored glasses. Underneath it all, you have a ton of passion that you hide from others. Always hopeful, you tend to expect positive outcomes in your life. Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul, Prophet Soul, and Traveler Soul |
So tell us something we didn't already know! How is it that I never seem to have too much time on my hands but I always seem to make it look like I do?
*ponders*
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Pffffft! Finally,
I have got round to putting up all my wedding photos onto Photobucket. Found a nifty little Beta-thingy called Flock that helps you upload loads of piccies at once, I did 146 in one go (it struggled with 196 and only did the first 40 - but that's why it's still a Beta). If you're interested and wanna be nosey in my photo album then clicky here
[queen bitch rant mode]
Fuck me, families are really hard work sometimes, aren't they? Especially when they're not your own cos then you have to make twice as much effort to stay on the right side of 'em. Was trying to make sure I hadn't completely alienated myself by putting my foot in my mouth the other week and ended up shooting myself in the other one. Just cos I was being consciencious She-who-shall-remain-nameless thought it was her right to tell me exactly what was wrong me from her little perfect glasshouse where-she-can-do-no-wrong. The thing is, she's FAR from perfect herself and I'm the one person that has been friendly to her when certain other members of the family (who shall also remain nameless) spoke less than decently about her. At least if I have a problem with someone I try to sort it out as soon as possible, face to face - and I'd NEVER say anything behind someone's back that I wouldn't say to their face.
All this cos I made a joke that went down like a lead balloon. You know sometimes I'm funny, sometimes I'm not but the thing about it is that there is never any maliciousness, only humourous intent. I got to the stage talking with this person that I thought to myself "why in hell am I bothering?" Fuck it, if you can't take a joke then bollocks, it's not my problem.
Grow a fucking sense of humour.
*gets coat*
[/queen bitch rant mode]
[queen bitch rant mode]
Fuck me, families are really hard work sometimes, aren't they? Especially when they're not your own cos then you have to make twice as much effort to stay on the right side of 'em. Was trying to make sure I hadn't completely alienated myself by putting my foot in my mouth the other week and ended up shooting myself in the other one. Just cos I was being consciencious She-who-shall-remain-nameless thought it was her right to tell me exactly what was wrong me from her little perfect glasshouse where-she-can-do-no-wrong. The thing is, she's FAR from perfect herself and I'm the one person that has been friendly to her when certain other members of the family (who shall also remain nameless) spoke less than decently about her. At least if I have a problem with someone I try to sort it out as soon as possible, face to face - and I'd NEVER say anything behind someone's back that I wouldn't say to their face.
All this cos I made a joke that went down like a lead balloon. You know sometimes I'm funny, sometimes I'm not but the thing about it is that there is never any maliciousness, only humourous intent. I got to the stage talking with this person that I thought to myself "why in hell am I bothering?" Fuck it, if you can't take a joke then bollocks, it's not my problem.
Grow a fucking sense of humour.
*gets coat*
[/queen bitch rant mode]
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Time flies...
so I've heard, and I can't believe it's been a whole week since I have managed to post something on here. Jake's not been well, I've been getting over my summer cold and now Rob's on his way down with it. BOOO!
After taking a couple of days off from jobhunting the week before cos of my cold, I started actively bombarding the agencies again this week and still nothing. The end of summer is always a quiet time cos the graduates have nicked all the good jobs and left the dregs for everyone else. Oh to be a student again; I'd love to go to university but I'm too damn old now and besides I'm a crap academic - ask me to write an essay over 1000 words and I'm stuffed, unless it's something i know really well and then try keeping me to the point and not wandering off on a tangent somewhere.
Speaking of tangents I was talking about jobhunting, wasn't I?
So no news this past week. Went up for a couple of things but not particularly hopeful, just cos my morale has slipped now but whatever.
Sad today as we had to say goodbye to some friends who are leaving next Saturday to live in Spain. We didn't see them much these days but they were one of the first couples I met through P4A (a bulletin board for real-time friends) a few months before I met Rob back in 2002. Even though we never got to see each other except on rare occasions I'm really going to miss them (on the BB as much as in person).
So farewell John and Molly, Bon Voyage and Bonne Chance (written in French cos I can't speak Spanish and it sounds more exotic than in English!).
Went to Sofa Sundaze at the 491 Gallery in Leytonstone to see John and Molly off earlier and although we've been there once before, we've never made it during the day. It's a really nice space to meet with friends and chill out and considering it's a squat (a legal one at that - from what I gather owned by Mayor Ken nonetheless and he's permitted the folks to use it for their projects) it's a lot cleaner than ones I've visited before. Jake had a nice time in the Kids Area, playing with cars and "duck-ducks" and we got his overalls on and we managed to get his hand and footprints onto canvas today (bought from the 99p shop in Leytonstone from what I've been told - that's what I call a bargain!). I'm really looking forward to framing them and putting them up in the house somewhere, either the lounge or the dining room, not sure yet.
They've got a really cool massive concrete firepit with arena-seating round the outside of it so you can keep warm... until you have to run away cos the smoke is making you choke to death! Looking to going to one of their "proper" parties at some point, I know we'll be at a private party there in November but aside from that I would like to see what other kind of all-nighter's they pull off in that space.
I started writing this around 9pm and it's now gone 1am. Not because I have been procrastinating but Jake's been almost inconsolable with his teething tonight poor little mite. He wouldn't let either of us near him, let alone hold him to comfort him or anything; I just felt totally powerless as I sat there and watched this poor little toddler screaming and thrashing and writhing around in obvious agony whilst grabbing his mouth and ear. I tried bringing him water in loads of different vessles to chew on, frozen carrot sticks, celery and he wouldn't even let me give him some Ashton and Parsons teething powders which he's normally so good in taking. It got to the stage where Rob had to hold Jake down on his cot mattress whilst I syringed calpol into his mouth with a pinched nose. I felt absolutely awful as he was screming the house down, to the point where I called NHS direct and just said to them "look, I've tried everything, what else can I do?" Typically, by the time the nurse had called back the Calpol had kicked in and he was all dopey and dozy cuddled up on Rob's shoulder. 15 minutes of cuddles with me later and he was in his bed and I held his hand and stroked his head for another 5 minutes till he went to sleep.
So (I daresay) I'd best go get some sleep till the Calpol wears off again and ting. *yawn* wish us luck for a good night's sleep, Rob's gotta go to work in t'morning too, poor bugger.
Taters (in sleepy green @ 01:13) x
After taking a couple of days off from jobhunting the week before cos of my cold, I started actively bombarding the agencies again this week and still nothing. The end of summer is always a quiet time cos the graduates have nicked all the good jobs and left the dregs for everyone else. Oh to be a student again; I'd love to go to university but I'm too damn old now and besides I'm a crap academic - ask me to write an essay over 1000 words and I'm stuffed, unless it's something i know really well and then try keeping me to the point and not wandering off on a tangent somewhere.
Speaking of tangents I was talking about jobhunting, wasn't I?
So no news this past week. Went up for a couple of things but not particularly hopeful, just cos my morale has slipped now but whatever.
Sad today as we had to say goodbye to some friends who are leaving next Saturday to live in Spain. We didn't see them much these days but they were one of the first couples I met through P4A (a bulletin board for real-time friends) a few months before I met Rob back in 2002. Even though we never got to see each other except on rare occasions I'm really going to miss them (on the BB as much as in person).
So farewell John and Molly, Bon Voyage and Bonne Chance (written in French cos I can't speak Spanish and it sounds more exotic than in English!).
Went to Sofa Sundaze at the 491 Gallery in Leytonstone to see John and Molly off earlier and although we've been there once before, we've never made it during the day. It's a really nice space to meet with friends and chill out and considering it's a squat (a legal one at that - from what I gather owned by Mayor Ken nonetheless and he's permitted the folks to use it for their projects) it's a lot cleaner than ones I've visited before. Jake had a nice time in the Kids Area, playing with cars and "duck-ducks" and we got his overalls on and we managed to get his hand and footprints onto canvas today (bought from the 99p shop in Leytonstone from what I've been told - that's what I call a bargain!). I'm really looking forward to framing them and putting them up in the house somewhere, either the lounge or the dining room, not sure yet.
They've got a really cool massive concrete firepit with arena-seating round the outside of it so you can keep warm... until you have to run away cos the smoke is making you choke to death! Looking to going to one of their "proper" parties at some point, I know we'll be at a private party there in November but aside from that I would like to see what other kind of all-nighter's they pull off in that space.
I started writing this around 9pm and it's now gone 1am. Not because I have been procrastinating but Jake's been almost inconsolable with his teething tonight poor little mite. He wouldn't let either of us near him, let alone hold him to comfort him or anything; I just felt totally powerless as I sat there and watched this poor little toddler screaming and thrashing and writhing around in obvious agony whilst grabbing his mouth and ear. I tried bringing him water in loads of different vessles to chew on, frozen carrot sticks, celery and he wouldn't even let me give him some Ashton and Parsons teething powders which he's normally so good in taking. It got to the stage where Rob had to hold Jake down on his cot mattress whilst I syringed calpol into his mouth with a pinched nose. I felt absolutely awful as he was screming the house down, to the point where I called NHS direct and just said to them "look, I've tried everything, what else can I do?" Typically, by the time the nurse had called back the Calpol had kicked in and he was all dopey and dozy cuddled up on Rob's shoulder. 15 minutes of cuddles with me later and he was in his bed and I held his hand and stroked his head for another 5 minutes till he went to sleep.
So (I daresay) I'd best go get some sleep till the Calpol wears off again and ting. *yawn* wish us luck for a good night's sleep, Rob's gotta go to work in t'morning too, poor bugger.
Taters (in sleepy green @ 01:13) x
Sunday, September 17, 2006
a satisfying weekend...
Well, can't say I've actually *done* that much this weekend, but it's been nice - for that very reason I think. Saturday was mostly spent waiting for a call from Rob's mum to let us know when and where we were meeting up, then popping into town for a couple of bits and not actually managing to do most of what was needed. Mainly because we had to dash to Rob's mum and dad's for 5pm so we could see them before they went off on holiday. Spent a while with them then got Jake back to bed for around 8pm.
Bleached my hair and learned a valuable lesson in the process - that being NOT to put the toner on after bleaching; it had ammonia in it and it burned like you wouldn't believe. Imagine how much it would hurt if your hand was being forcibly held over a lit gas ring, and held there for minutes, not seconds. IT.BURNED.THAT.MUCH!
Decided it might be better to abandon the ash-blonde toning effort and wash it all off on account of my head feeling like the fires of hell and thought I'd reward my sensible decision with a large Baileys, or two...
Rob joined me and we proceeded to play the "I have never..." game, which wasn't as (either) insightful or depraved as I'd hoped, but interesting nonetheless. Polished off the Baileys (well that was a given!) and finally went to sleep around 3:30am *yawn*.
Thankfully I got up with Jake Saturday morning (we'd "rock, paper, scissors'd" for it, Rob chose!), so I was allowed a lie-in this morning and STILL Rob came in to wake me up when he took Jake up for his nap just to warn me that Jake might have a little whinge and wake me up (WTF is that all about?). Kinda misses the point there, doesn't it? One day I might get a lie-in where I actually get to wake up and get up when I want, but you know what? I'm not holding out much hope for a while. I'll just have to make do with whatever I get for the time being.
So my first three waking hours were surprisingly quiet and chilled, given that Jake was asleep upstairs and so Rob and I slouched about on the sofa watching "The Blue Planet" on UKTV History. Funny thing is that I've been wanting to see some real Anglerfish since Finding Nemo sparked my interest and I googled for piccies of them; and what do you know? One of the episodes featured mega-deep sealife (like, thousands of metres down, as opposed to the measly 18m that I'm qualified to dive to). I just sat there in complete awe, my jaw dropping on a regular basis while I was listening to David Attenborough explaining all about things that I'll never get to see in my lifetime.
Finally, around 3pm Jake woke up and it was off to Lakeside to complete the mission that we'd started yesterday. Got Jake his chubby crayons at the ELC (ooh, how exciting, I hear you say... welcome to my life!), and proceeded to New Look in the vain hope of finding some a top for me to wear to a job interview. As luck would have it (which it NEVER usually does for me when clothes shopping on a mission) not only did I find a really nice white shirt, but also a really smart pair of trousers and some boots that I know Rob wants me to model wearing clothes slightly less suitable for officewear ifyouknowwhatImean ;o)
I'm not thinking about the overdraft for the time being, the end justifying the means in so much as this now means I can get myself into a position of getting a job and paying it all off. Ho Hum, back on the ladder and all that. Let's just hope that I am well enough to be able to stick at it without falling ill again...
Here endeth the weekend :o( - it's been fun, and looking forward to the next one already :o)
Bleached my hair and learned a valuable lesson in the process - that being NOT to put the toner on after bleaching; it had ammonia in it and it burned like you wouldn't believe. Imagine how much it would hurt if your hand was being forcibly held over a lit gas ring, and held there for minutes, not seconds. IT.BURNED.THAT.MUCH!
Decided it might be better to abandon the ash-blonde toning effort and wash it all off on account of my head feeling like the fires of hell and thought I'd reward my sensible decision with a large Baileys, or two...
Rob joined me and we proceeded to play the "I have never..." game, which wasn't as (either) insightful or depraved as I'd hoped, but interesting nonetheless. Polished off the Baileys (well that was a given!) and finally went to sleep around 3:30am *yawn*.
Thankfully I got up with Jake Saturday morning (we'd "rock, paper, scissors'd" for it, Rob chose!), so I was allowed a lie-in this morning and STILL Rob came in to wake me up when he took Jake up for his nap just to warn me that Jake might have a little whinge and wake me up (WTF is that all about?). Kinda misses the point there, doesn't it? One day I might get a lie-in where I actually get to wake up and get up when I want, but you know what? I'm not holding out much hope for a while. I'll just have to make do with whatever I get for the time being.
So my first three waking hours were surprisingly quiet and chilled, given that Jake was asleep upstairs and so Rob and I slouched about on the sofa watching "The Blue Planet" on UKTV History. Funny thing is that I've been wanting to see some real Anglerfish since Finding Nemo sparked my interest and I googled for piccies of them; and what do you know? One of the episodes featured mega-deep sealife (like, thousands of metres down, as opposed to the measly 18m that I'm qualified to dive to). I just sat there in complete awe, my jaw dropping on a regular basis while I was listening to David Attenborough explaining all about things that I'll never get to see in my lifetime.
Finally, around 3pm Jake woke up and it was off to Lakeside to complete the mission that we'd started yesterday. Got Jake his chubby crayons at the ELC (ooh, how exciting, I hear you say... welcome to my life!), and proceeded to New Look in the vain hope of finding some a top for me to wear to a job interview. As luck would have it (which it NEVER usually does for me when clothes shopping on a mission) not only did I find a really nice white shirt, but also a really smart pair of trousers and some boots that I know Rob wants me to model wearing clothes slightly less suitable for officewear ifyouknowwhatImean ;o)
I'm not thinking about the overdraft for the time being, the end justifying the means in so much as this now means I can get myself into a position of getting a job and paying it all off. Ho Hum, back on the ladder and all that. Let's just hope that I am well enough to be able to stick at it without falling ill again...
Here endeth the weekend :o( - it's been fun, and looking forward to the next one already :o)
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Seconds out, round three!
Just nipped outside for a quick smoke before bed and the clouds rolled across the sky like James Herberts "The Fog". It's started raining again and I can hear the distant rumbling of thunder letting us know another storm's on it's way...
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Armageddon..?
I didn't take these, but this is a pretty accurate description of the storm tonight...
OMFG! Just witnessed the most amazing storm I've ever seen in my life, it was a real doozie! The sky was lit up all shades of purple, yellow and white. Fork lightning like you've never seen before, except in movies and on nature programmes, streaking in witches fingers across the sky. I had easily been watching from my back door for 45 minutes, and I could have quite happily stayed there another 45 as it went on for a good couple of hours. The lightning made so many different shapes; spidering like tree branches, forking horizontally, vertically and even making the number 6 at one point during the unmissable display of mother nature's ultimate power.
Absolutely awesome, something I will remember for the rest of my life...
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Fishies...
In the days leading up to us going away, Jake developed a growing fascination with the film Finding Nemo, and I at times found myself watching it in almost as much awe as him, thinking to myself "I wonder if we'll see this fish or that one". By the time we got to go out on the boat I was almost beside myself with excitement, being something of a wildlife fanatic. So you can imagine my serendipitous joy when the very first fish I saw on my first underwater descent was a Clownfish (and no, he didn't try and tell any poor jokes, he left that to me lol). Since we've returned I'm watching 'Nemo and catching myself thinking "Seen that one, and that one", if only I could remember their proper names, and not their character's names from the film I might actually make a good naturalist.
The fish to the left is called a Rainbow Parrotfish, and we saw more of these than I can remember to count. Their colours underwater are stunning, and I can imagine that they are as individual as a human fingerprint.
The little flouro fishy I can't remember the proper name of, but for the duration of the holiday I called them "Lara-fish" as the pink is my absolute favourite colour. Again we saw more of these than I can recall, and every single time it was a pleasure.
more pics
It's amazing how weightless you feel when you're underwater, considering everything you're carrying, but you sure know about it when you're trying to climb the ladder back on to the boat - most ungainly!
In this one I just felt like I was flying, in one of our dives Rob and I stretched our arms out, held hands and felt just like Peter Pan and Wendy, it was magical!
This is Rob, looking totally serene. although I think I have it on good authority that even remembering how to breathe can be somewhat of an challenge...
...but then you get to a point where there's so much to look at, you just forget about everything you *think* you're supposed to remember, like your breathing technique and stuff and it all comes completely naturally. Nothing else matters as you float around in this place that feels like a dreamland and you are completely powerless to do anything but gaze around in breathtaking wonderment like a child at Hamleys.
Something I'll truly never forget...
another pic...
That's me on the left and Rob on the right. This stoopid blogger thing isn't letting me post more than one pic at a time at the moment so I've had to do this the hard way *grrrrrr*
Back before you know it
just thought I'd stick up some piccies from Egypt, some I'll post here and some further above (problems publishing more than a couple at the mo). Amongst them are a rather graceful looking but dangerous Lionfish which I was belly to belly with on one of my first dives, and a Blue Spotted Stingray which Similarly I came face to face with. Strangely enough I was pretty wary of the Lionfish and not at all worried about the Stingray, then I come home and am greeted with the news of the tragic demise of Steve Irwin at the barb of a White Spotted Stingray. Poor bastard, he would *have* to be the lonely statistic of being one of only 4 people killed by a Ray in Oz. My heart goes out to his wife and kids, although I reckon he wouldn't have minded ending his days at the mercy of an animal. At least he couldn't say it was a creature he knew well or he'd have looked a bit foolish eh?
RIP Steve, I think you did a fantastic job of raising the profile of wildlife conservation into the eyes of children again. 'Nuff respect.
Jet-Lagged!
Man I'm knackered! Still haven't managed to shake the (measly 2 hour) time difference off yet. For someone who usually goes to bed between 12 and 1am I'm ready for bed around half ten.
Despite the absence of any energy I have managed to do loads this week, including update my CV, contact 6 agencies and interview with 2 of them, apply for 3 jobs AND vacuum the stairs; I can safely say that the stair-vacuuming was by far the most sweaty and exhausting, being as how most of the time I was lugging not only the bloody hefty Dyson about, but also a petrified toddler (he hates the noise).
Anyway, 'moff to enjoy a bit of peace and quiet, shall post some more holiday pics soon,
t'raaaa
Despite the absence of any energy I have managed to do loads this week, including update my CV, contact 6 agencies and interview with 2 of them, apply for 3 jobs AND vacuum the stairs; I can safely say that the stair-vacuuming was by far the most sweaty and exhausting, being as how most of the time I was lugging not only the bloody hefty Dyson about, but also a petrified toddler (he hates the noise).
Anyway, 'moff to enjoy a bit of peace and quiet, shall post some more holiday pics soon,
t'raaaa
Monday, September 04, 2006
Home again!
Well, we're back from Egypt and there's a pile of washing the size of Mt Sinai but I don't care, we had a magical holiday. No lie-ins and totally exhausted but definitely a holiday of a lifetime. We arrived at our hotel around midnight local time (10pm BST) after leaving my Mum's in Kent around 9:30am. Had to be at the Ocean College Dive centre at 8am (which was still 6am to us) AND had to have eaten too...
The next 3 days were spent as follows; Sun/Mon/Tues mornings in the classroom (trying to stay awake) and afternoons doing our confined water training in the hotel pool. The theory was so brain-crunching, learning all about Nitrogen Narcosis, Decompression Sickness and all the physiology of water pressure I was sure I was going to fail so on Wednesday afternoon you could've knocked me down with a feather when I found out I'd only got 2 questions wrong in the final exam! I have to admit though, I got to the questions on dive planning and completely blanked out, all the mathematical-type formula that we'd only covered that morning had completely left my brain. I sat and stared at the questions for over half an hour totally clueless and it wasn't until Rob sat back and laughed (I thought he was laughing cos he'd got it sorted, how wrong I was - he'd just totally blanked out too!), then all of a sudden 'BING'! and I just seemed to develop a "sod it" mentality and have a go.
Anyway, loads more to tell, but I'm knackered and I'll do some more tonight when Jake's gone to bed.
End of Part 1.
To be continued... in Aquamarine
The next 3 days were spent as follows; Sun/Mon/Tues mornings in the classroom (trying to stay awake) and afternoons doing our confined water training in the hotel pool. The theory was so brain-crunching, learning all about Nitrogen Narcosis, Decompression Sickness and all the physiology of water pressure I was sure I was going to fail so on Wednesday afternoon you could've knocked me down with a feather when I found out I'd only got 2 questions wrong in the final exam! I have to admit though, I got to the questions on dive planning and completely blanked out, all the mathematical-type formula that we'd only covered that morning had completely left my brain. I sat and stared at the questions for over half an hour totally clueless and it wasn't until Rob sat back and laughed (I thought he was laughing cos he'd got it sorted, how wrong I was - he'd just totally blanked out too!), then all of a sudden 'BING'! and I just seemed to develop a "sod it" mentality and have a go.
Anyway, loads more to tell, but I'm knackered and I'll do some more tonight when Jake's gone to bed.
End of Part 1.
To be continued... in Aquamarine
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
*Bleurgh*
Today I officially feel like the dregs in the bottom of the drain. After spending the whole of the morning and some of the afternoon on Saturday hanging round London waiting for Rob's passport we got caught in a few light showers and hey presto! I've got the dreaded summer cold.
Afterwards we went to the cemetery in Greenford to visit my daughter Jaia's grave and to take off my long-dead wedding bouquet. Jake really spooked me out while we were there; we were giving Rob some quiet time at the graveside and as we were walking back up he pointed over to her grave and in baby-babble said something which I could have sworn sounded like "daughter".
When we were finished there we popped down the road to Wembley to see my mate Claire and her family. We gave Jake his dinner and needless to say we ended up staying for dinner too. Dinner turned into lounging around on the sofa and before we knew it we were watching the end of "The Green Mile" on Film Four which was sometime just after midnight. Reluctantly we had to drive the 50 mile journey home and trying to get Jake back off to sleep when we got home was a nightmare, to the point where I had to go and sleep on the camp-bed in his room most of the night. I finally made it back into my bed around 9:30am, Jake still soundly asleep. We all woke up around 11:30am and I felt like I'd been run over by a bulldozer with this summer cold, so indeed Bleurgh!
The snotmonster is here and my head feels like it's made of lead... NOT GOOD.
We got our tickets through for our honeymoon and thanks to a nifty bit of e-observation I've managed to get us 2 free passes into the VIP lounge at the airport, which in this time of heightened security will (hopefully) be a bit quieter and a LOT more comfortable.
Since Friday I have been reading a book called "Basics of Buddhism". I won't go into the long story of it (too ill and can't be arsed) but something I read in it the other day links back to a massive spiritual experience I had about 3 years ago and loads of things clicked into place. Suffice to say that back then I was given a message which, upon reading this book translates into one of the main Buddhist meditation chants, "Nam Myoho Renge Kyo" - otherwise known as the heart of the Lotus. I hope I can keep my head into this book as things are making sense after a long spiritual drought, mostly caused by having no time to call my own. I have the 4 and a half hour flight each way, and hopefully a bit of time while we're on holiday so I'd really like to finish it.
It's Rob's birthday on Friday, I wonder what 32 feels like(?!?), probably the same as 31 and 30 I suppose but with a few more grey hairs eh? We're off out for a curry with his Mum and Dad on his actual birthday and hopefully if our friend comes through with some tickets we'll be off to "V" with a couple of day passes for Saturday or Sunday. Failing that we've got Martin (Rob's best man) coming over for the day on Saturay, which will be cool whatever we do. Have to go into town today to get Rob's birthday card - hehehe first "hubby" one, it's gonna wig me out cos it sounds like I'm all grown up and stuff (which clearly I'm not). I still feel like I'm a little kid playing in the "big kids" playground - marriage, mortgage, kids etc., I feel like such a fraud!
Anyway, I've rambled on enough for now - I just thought I'd better post something as it's been nearly a week and I've said nothing on here. Hopefully I'll be feeling better before we go away; 3 days coming, 3 days here, 3 days leaving is what they say I think...
Wish me luck (lol I'd originall typo-ed "wish me muck", sounds about right!).
Today's post was brought to you in snotmonster bogey Green.
*Sniff*
Afterwards we went to the cemetery in Greenford to visit my daughter Jaia's grave and to take off my long-dead wedding bouquet. Jake really spooked me out while we were there; we were giving Rob some quiet time at the graveside and as we were walking back up he pointed over to her grave and in baby-babble said something which I could have sworn sounded like "daughter".
When we were finished there we popped down the road to Wembley to see my mate Claire and her family. We gave Jake his dinner and needless to say we ended up staying for dinner too. Dinner turned into lounging around on the sofa and before we knew it we were watching the end of "The Green Mile" on Film Four which was sometime just after midnight. Reluctantly we had to drive the 50 mile journey home and trying to get Jake back off to sleep when we got home was a nightmare, to the point where I had to go and sleep on the camp-bed in his room most of the night. I finally made it back into my bed around 9:30am, Jake still soundly asleep. We all woke up around 11:30am and I felt like I'd been run over by a bulldozer with this summer cold, so indeed Bleurgh!
The snotmonster is here and my head feels like it's made of lead... NOT GOOD.
We got our tickets through for our honeymoon and thanks to a nifty bit of e-observation I've managed to get us 2 free passes into the VIP lounge at the airport, which in this time of heightened security will (hopefully) be a bit quieter and a LOT more comfortable.
Since Friday I have been reading a book called "Basics of Buddhism". I won't go into the long story of it (too ill and can't be arsed) but something I read in it the other day links back to a massive spiritual experience I had about 3 years ago and loads of things clicked into place. Suffice to say that back then I was given a message which, upon reading this book translates into one of the main Buddhist meditation chants, "Nam Myoho Renge Kyo" - otherwise known as the heart of the Lotus. I hope I can keep my head into this book as things are making sense after a long spiritual drought, mostly caused by having no time to call my own. I have the 4 and a half hour flight each way, and hopefully a bit of time while we're on holiday so I'd really like to finish it.
It's Rob's birthday on Friday, I wonder what 32 feels like(?!?), probably the same as 31 and 30 I suppose but with a few more grey hairs eh? We're off out for a curry with his Mum and Dad on his actual birthday and hopefully if our friend comes through with some tickets we'll be off to "V" with a couple of day passes for Saturday or Sunday. Failing that we've got Martin (Rob's best man) coming over for the day on Saturay, which will be cool whatever we do. Have to go into town today to get Rob's birthday card - hehehe first "hubby" one, it's gonna wig me out cos it sounds like I'm all grown up and stuff (which clearly I'm not). I still feel like I'm a little kid playing in the "big kids" playground - marriage, mortgage, kids etc., I feel like such a fraud!
Anyway, I've rambled on enough for now - I just thought I'd better post something as it's been nearly a week and I've said nothing on here. Hopefully I'll be feeling better before we go away; 3 days coming, 3 days here, 3 days leaving is what they say I think...
Wish me luck (lol I'd originall typo-ed "wish me muck", sounds about right!).
Today's post was brought to you in snotmonster bogey Green.
*Sniff*
Thursday, August 10, 2006
*Excited*
Well we've finally gone and booked our honeymoon and I'm SOOOOOO excited! We're off to Egypt for a week and we're going to learn to scuba dive. We're staying in Sharm El Sheikh, about 10 minutes away from Naama Bay at the Ocean Club Hotel - have a look here:- http://www.explorers.co.uk/HotelHome.aspx?HotelID=10
First we have to pass all the indoor training, which is at the Ocean Diving College in the resort. They have a classroom and use one of the Hotel's pools for the practical tuition. From what I can gather there are about 4 open water sites they use and we'll probably visit 2 or 3, provided we pass the first part of the course. The ones I know the name of are "Temple" and "Fiddle Garden"(!) which is supposed to be somewhere between "Far-" and "Middle Garden".
I've been having a look at the "dive sites - new" section on www.sinaidivers.com and they are quite far apart, which means with any luck we'll get to see loads of different type of sealife in each different site (can you tell I'm a complete novice?!!). Gonna do a bit more research later about Red Sea marine life, but so far I've found out that we'll quite likely be seeing some Parrotfish, Napoleon Wrasse (whatever they are, one armed and smelling of garlic maybe?!) and as cheesily posted on the website, we'll probably bump into some "Nemo's" (aka Clownfish if you're feeling particularly stupid today). Will definitely be investing in some underwater disposable cameras and if we are lucky enough to see one I'm going to do my best to get a piccy for Bel-Bel (Laney's daughter/our bridesmaid) as she's Nemo-mad!
The best bit about all this is that we don't have long to wait - we leave in 16 days!
Rob starts his new job on the Monday after we get back which will be good too. Last night we also booked our annual £9.50 holiday-out-of-the-paper. Last year we went down to Devon for my 30th birthday, and despite us having a lovely time, for the sake of a long weekend we really didn't fancy a 7 hour drive with a restless toddler. Next year (we're going for the weekend after Jake's 2nd birthday) we're making a considerably shorter journey to Clacton-on-Sea; which I haven't visited since the days of the annual seaside day trips I used to be taken on when my Grandad worked for the BOC over 25 years ago!
Anyway, enough for now - I could go on excitedly for ages and there's a million and one things I need to do before Jake wakes up (makes mental not not to waste too much time on Boing).
Today was brought to you by the letters O and K and by the excitable colour Teal.
Peas.
L
xx
First we have to pass all the indoor training, which is at the Ocean Diving College in the resort. They have a classroom and use one of the Hotel's pools for the practical tuition. From what I can gather there are about 4 open water sites they use and we'll probably visit 2 or 3, provided we pass the first part of the course. The ones I know the name of are "Temple" and "Fiddle Garden"(!) which is supposed to be somewhere between "Far-" and "Middle Garden".
I've been having a look at the "dive sites - new" section on www.sinaidivers.com and they are quite far apart, which means with any luck we'll get to see loads of different type of sealife in each different site (can you tell I'm a complete novice?!!). Gonna do a bit more research later about Red Sea marine life, but so far I've found out that we'll quite likely be seeing some Parrotfish, Napoleon Wrasse (whatever they are, one armed and smelling of garlic maybe?!) and as cheesily posted on the website, we'll probably bump into some "Nemo's" (aka Clownfish if you're feeling particularly stupid today). Will definitely be investing in some underwater disposable cameras and if we are lucky enough to see one I'm going to do my best to get a piccy for Bel-Bel (Laney's daughter/our bridesmaid) as she's Nemo-mad!
The best bit about all this is that we don't have long to wait - we leave in 16 days!
Rob starts his new job on the Monday after we get back which will be good too. Last night we also booked our annual £9.50 holiday-out-of-the-paper. Last year we went down to Devon for my 30th birthday, and despite us having a lovely time, for the sake of a long weekend we really didn't fancy a 7 hour drive with a restless toddler. Next year (we're going for the weekend after Jake's 2nd birthday) we're making a considerably shorter journey to Clacton-on-Sea; which I haven't visited since the days of the annual seaside day trips I used to be taken on when my Grandad worked for the BOC over 25 years ago!
Anyway, enough for now - I could go on excitedly for ages and there's a million and one things I need to do before Jake wakes up (makes mental not not to waste too much time on Boing).
Today was brought to you by the letters O and K and by the excitable colour Teal.
Peas.
L
xx
Friday, August 04, 2006
Twice in one night? Whatever next???
As I mentioned earlier, my fridge is now proudly sporting Jake's first drawing, titled "Wet Thursday". It's an interesting subjective-abstract piece where the artist has used a mixed media of wax crayon and coloured pencil to create a veritable plethora of emotion using various drawing styles and colouring techniques. Upon close examination you can almost feel his frustration at being kept indoors, the howling wind outside echoing his own cabin-fevered cries which make their mark on the paper. Ahem. Proud mother? Me? Never! Was interesting keeping his hands on the paper though, and not on all the furniture. Well, I like it anyway!
This message was brought to you in beaming yellow...
And so arrives the weekend...
Not before time I can tell you! This week has dragged on longer than an omnibus of Hollyoaks. Thought I was going to get a bit of time to write some time to have a proper chat with myself on here, but it seems Jake's got other ideas as he's now awake and expecting his lunch so I'll have to keep this fairly brief.
Rob's finally handed in his notice at work today, so I think he'll be glad to see 5:30. With this being his first major job move I expect emotions are running high in the office for him right now.
In other news Jake's done his first drawing, which I'll scan and post when I get onto the other pooter (this one isn't hooked up to the scanner, and t'other one isn't hooked up to t'internet), along with a nice little critique ;o)
Anyhoo, best be off. Places to go, people to see and children to feed...
Today is...... lilac. Calmly sliding in to the weekend.
Laters
Rob's finally handed in his notice at work today, so I think he'll be glad to see 5:30. With this being his first major job move I expect emotions are running high in the office for him right now.
In other news Jake's done his first drawing, which I'll scan and post when I get onto the other pooter (this one isn't hooked up to the scanner, and t'other one isn't hooked up to t'internet), along with a nice little critique ;o)
Anyhoo, best be off. Places to go, people to see and children to feed...
Today is...... lilac. Calmly sliding in to the weekend.
Laters
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Grey Day, *literally*.
The weekend's over, the next one isn't even remotely in sight and I'm bored of this week already. Welcome to "Comedown Tuesday." Rant, blah and buggeration xo(
Rob got offered a new job yesterday and I know I'm supposed to be feeling happy, somehow I'm not. I've spent the last three years telling him to leave because the pay's crap, they really take advantage of his nature (they have zero people skills) and for I don't know how long they've been making loads of grand promises they never keep. This DOESN'T exactly make for a happy working environment and I know it's been taking it's toll on our relationship.
What makes the whole situation worse is that now he's finally taking the leap I can't help but feel sorry for myself cos he's going to have to do shiftwork. I feel really selfish and guilty because of the way I feel.
I know that marriages are all about give and take, and parenthood is about giving unconditionally; I just kind of feel that I'm going to be doing a lot of giving for not a whole lot to keep me topped up in return. I suppose that I should be feeling grateful that I have a loving husband that thinks nothing about slogging his guts out for 40-50 hours a week AND that doesn't spend all his home time moaning about it. Here i am, the ingrate, sitting here feeling sorry for myself cos I feel like I haven't got a life of my own.
That's not *strictly* true. I guess that right now I don't have a say in what path my life takes; being such an independant person I hate feeling so reliant on someone else and it just doesn't sit comfortably with me. I hate not having money to call my own, I hate not being able to make decisions about my own life because I have to just take the last pickings from the table and support everyone else.
I feel like I have no control over my life at the moment, I have no decisions to make for myself, the most flexible my days are (decision-wise) is "what baby group is Jake going to today?" I remember a time when I was bored (oh for boredom itself!), I'd just get up and sign up for a college course. Now I have no money to call my own I can't do that. I can't remember a time when I could make a decision for myself but I know that it was pre-Jake.
Pathetic, isn't it? I'm supposed to be happy right now. I've got a beautiful (if somewhat stroppy) toddler, I got married to the most wonderful man in the world only a month ago and we own our own home - so why do I feel so down...
I need to take some time out for me (heh!) and try and rediscover my happy place.
I reckon that's half the problem. I was really looking forward to going away with my friend for some child-free, responsibility-free time where I was planning on re-grouping, re-focusing and re-centering myself and coming back feeling refreshed. Due to circumstances beyond our control she had to cancel and I guess it's hit me like a tonne of bricks. There seemed to be a light at the end of the tunnel and now there's been an extension stuck onto the the end of indiscernible length.
Today, is not a good day.
Rob got offered a new job yesterday and I know I'm supposed to be feeling happy, somehow I'm not. I've spent the last three years telling him to leave because the pay's crap, they really take advantage of his nature (they have zero people skills) and for I don't know how long they've been making loads of grand promises they never keep. This DOESN'T exactly make for a happy working environment and I know it's been taking it's toll on our relationship.
What makes the whole situation worse is that now he's finally taking the leap I can't help but feel sorry for myself cos he's going to have to do shiftwork. I feel really selfish and guilty because of the way I feel.
I know that marriages are all about give and take, and parenthood is about giving unconditionally; I just kind of feel that I'm going to be doing a lot of giving for not a whole lot to keep me topped up in return. I suppose that I should be feeling grateful that I have a loving husband that thinks nothing about slogging his guts out for 40-50 hours a week AND that doesn't spend all his home time moaning about it. Here i am, the ingrate, sitting here feeling sorry for myself cos I feel like I haven't got a life of my own.
That's not *strictly* true. I guess that right now I don't have a say in what path my life takes; being such an independant person I hate feeling so reliant on someone else and it just doesn't sit comfortably with me. I hate not having money to call my own, I hate not being able to make decisions about my own life because I have to just take the last pickings from the table and support everyone else.
I feel like I have no control over my life at the moment, I have no decisions to make for myself, the most flexible my days are (decision-wise) is "what baby group is Jake going to today?" I remember a time when I was bored (oh for boredom itself!), I'd just get up and sign up for a college course. Now I have no money to call my own I can't do that. I can't remember a time when I could make a decision for myself but I know that it was pre-Jake.
Pathetic, isn't it? I'm supposed to be happy right now. I've got a beautiful (if somewhat stroppy) toddler, I got married to the most wonderful man in the world only a month ago and we own our own home - so why do I feel so down...
I need to take some time out for me (heh!) and try and rediscover my happy place.
I reckon that's half the problem. I was really looking forward to going away with my friend for some child-free, responsibility-free time where I was planning on re-grouping, re-focusing and re-centering myself and coming back feeling refreshed. Due to circumstances beyond our control she had to cancel and I guess it's hit me like a tonne of bricks. There seemed to be a light at the end of the tunnel and now there's been an extension stuck onto the the end of indiscernible length.
Today, is not a good day.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Typical!
No sooner do I put up a photo and say "this is what I look like" I end up going all spontaneous and completely changing my look. Considering I've looked pretty much the same for the last 4-5 years, this is quite a dramatic thing, however spontaneous. I'll post up a picture of how I *actually* look when it's finished, but for now here's a similar thing to give you the general idea ^^^
Today is a green day, does this mean I'm feeling all froggy?
Monday, July 17, 2006
first (past the) post...
This is me. Well, this WAS me four years ago but it's the nicest photo that I can find of myself at the moment. Quite a lot's happened in those four years but to be honest I don't look that different - one or two cleverly disguised grey hairs maybe, but what's a few grey hairs between friends eh?
I'm Lara, I'm 30 and I have no idea who I'm writing this for, or indeed who I'm supposed to be addressing. So I guess sometimes I'll be explaining stuff about the past and sometimes I'll be ranting away on here like I'd bend a mate's ear - deal with it!
Being an indecisive sort I guess I'll change font colour depending on my mood and today I think is an Aquamarine day. Right time to go, at least for now as "stuff" needs to be done.
Why is life too full of "stuff"? Laters
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