Grey Day, *literally*.

The weekend's over, the next one isn't even remotely in sight and I'm bored of this week already. Welcome to "Comedown Tuesday." Rant, blah and buggeration xo(

Rob got offered a new job yesterday and I know I'm supposed to be feeling happy, somehow I'm not. I've spent the last three years telling him to leave because the pay's crap, they really take advantage of his nature (they have zero people skills) and for I don't know how long they've been making loads of grand promises they never keep. This DOESN'T exactly make for a happy working environment and I know it's been taking it's toll on our relationship.

What makes the whole situation worse is that now he's finally taking the leap I can't help but feel sorry for myself cos he's going to have to do shiftwork. I feel really selfish and guilty because of the way I feel.

I know that marriages are all about give and take, and parenthood is about giving unconditionally; I just kind of feel that I'm going to be doing a lot of giving for not a whole lot to keep me topped up in return. I suppose that I should be feeling grateful that I have a loving husband that thinks nothing about slogging his guts out for 40-50 hours a week AND that doesn't spend all his home time moaning about it. Here i am, the ingrate, sitting here feeling sorry for myself cos I feel like I haven't got a life of my own.

That's not *strictly* true. I guess that right now I don't have a say in what path my life takes; being such an independant person I hate feeling so reliant on someone else and it just doesn't sit comfortably with me. I hate not having money to call my own, I hate not being able to make decisions about my own life because I have to just take the last pickings from the table and support everyone else.

I feel like I have no control over my life at the moment, I have no decisions to make for myself, the most flexible my days are (decision-wise) is "what baby group is Jake going to today?" I remember a time when I was bored (oh for boredom itself!), I'd just get up and sign up for a college course. Now I have no money to call my own I can't do that. I can't remember a time when I could make a decision for myself but I know that it was pre-Jake.

Pathetic, isn't it? I'm supposed to be happy right now. I've got a beautiful (if somewhat stroppy) toddler, I got married to the most wonderful man in the world only a month ago and we own our own home - so why do I feel so down...

I need to take some time out for me (heh!) and try and rediscover my happy place.

I reckon that's half the problem. I was really looking forward to going away with my friend for some child-free, responsibility-free time where I was planning on re-grouping, re-focusing and re-centering myself and coming back feeling refreshed. Due to circumstances beyond our control she had to cancel and I guess it's hit me like a tonne of bricks. There seemed to be a light at the end of the tunnel and now there's been an extension stuck onto the the end of indiscernible length.

Today, is not a good day.