It's a funny old turn of phrase isn't it? Three and a half years on I'm still trying to make sense of this whole grief thing. Time goes on and just when I think I've got a handle on it and I'm moving on Christmas comes along and shatters my whole world to pieces.
I miss her like you wouldn't believe. It's not even her birthday when I'm down the cemetery that makes me upset. her grave's just another place to me now, most people go down to visit her and shed their tears but not me. I think I'm the only one that can't cry for her there, I don't know.
The first few mornings after she died we'd awake from our sleep and for the first few seconds everything would be alright. then the reality of the true horror would hit us and we'd just lay in each other's arms in bed, crying as we realised that she wasn't inside me anymore, she was gone.
It's supposed to get easier in time, isn't it? Every day that passes I become further away from her and each day without her seems harder to bear. I don't know how much harder it has to get before I break into a million tiny pieces.
Recently the prospect of staying asleep has felt like the more preferable option than waking up and deaing with the fact that there will always be an empty space at the dinner table.
The funny thing is I know all the facts; I could probably quote chapter and verse at you the textbook definition of the stages of grief, but none of it seems to fit with me. You can tilt your head to one side and smile at me in that sympathetic way and ofer all the platitudes and wise words and nothing will change the fact that she's never coming back. Nothing you say will make a difference.
I just want to stay in that place when I sleep where I don't have to think, I don't have to "do" - I can just forget. But then surely that'd mean that I'd have forgotten her too, wouldn't it? How could I want to forget my precious daughter, my firstborn.
And how can I stay in that place when I have Jake, who, whilst angry at me for leaving him every day to go out to work is still everything we were working towards when I was carrying Jaia. just reminds me of that Remembrance Sunday quote "remember the dead, but don't forget the living".
I'm so lost it's stupid.
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2 comments:
Hey darlin,
What you've described is exactly what me and Jo have gone through since losing Bethy. Life's not fair, it's a lump of crap some days, and staying in bed, asleep, makes everything more bearable. What you're describing is deep depression.
People come out with those awful sayings like "Time is a great healer" and "God has a plan" but they're crap to be honest. Things DON'T get better with time. They might get different, but not better. She's still gone, and you still miss her like crazy, and your mind does the whole "What If" thing.
Every grieves in their own way, every one is different, and the stages of grief are a load of old cobblers too. You do what you do, end of story. Don't let anyone tell you how you SHOULD be feeling, nor what to expect.
And if anyone says "I know how you feel, I lost *some distant relative*", ignore them. The only people that can say "I know how you feel" are the ones that have been there - and even then, as I said, it's different for each person.
The only advice I can offer is to see the doc. You might not like the idea of taking tablets, but they DO help, even if you're only on them for a few months, otherwise you could sink deeper into that dark place, and it's not a nice place to be.
Hope you feel better soon honey.
Hey honey :)
Hope you've had a good christmas and decent new year, and that you're more up now.
lotsakisses ;)
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