I loved you first...

I have just read this on someone else's blog and so much of it echoes the sentiment that I feel for my Jakey so I decided to personalise a few details and copy it below so that one day I may be able to read it to him so he knows that no matter what, I love him with all my heart: -

I Loved You First

One day I will sit you down and tell you just how amazing you are and you will accept this, not blush this time and we will just hug. It’ll be one of those hugs where I will breathe every ounce of you and try to lock away the smell and feelings so when you are gone I will have memories. You are amazing and I loved you first.

Our journey wasn’t an easy one. It was difficult but I tried, oh God how I tried. There were times I was broken and I couldn’t give my all to you and I hope that you forgive me my humanity. You are wonderful and I loved you first.

I remember the exact moment when I first loved you and I treasure that. It was like a rush of warmth to my heart and it was then that I became the lioness. I would have fought to the death for you and bear many battle scars now from all the times I have pushed myself forward for you, to fight your corner; to make you heard. You are beautiful and I loved you first.

We will grow together and I will see the man you will become. Your shoulders will be strong and I will be proud. You will make your way in the world and, perhaps, leave me behind but there will always be a home for you with me no matter how distant your boyhood seems. Time will accelerate for me and I will reminisce but you will humour me and sometimes, just sometimes I will still catch glimpse of the boy you once were. You will have changed beyond recognition but I will still have loved you first.

But you will slip away from me to another just as it should be. I will be in the shadows and they will be in your spotlight. Your heart will be broken and I, the lioness, will protect you but you will find that someone who lights your heart, makes you feel complete, makes you love. They must take the stage with you and you will plan your lives. Many will love you, you are magnificent but I loved you first.

I can claim the right as the selfish mother to love you first but I have to let go. I will help you over the coming years to become the man you will be and I will claim that as my greatest achievement. Your eyes, those beautiful hazel eyes just like mine, will look out onto the world with enthusiasm ready to start your journey. You say now you’ll never leave me and I soothingly say that you will and that you should and you won’t be able to wait to get started but you just can’t see that now.

I hope to see you as a father with you happy and settled with your partner and perhaps, I will see your little one and rush to them as I did to you. I will look deep into their eyes and search for you; will I see the baby I once had? I will rock them, soothe them and sing to them as I did with you. I will hand them back to their mother who will look at them with longing, satisfied eyes and see I will now that I will have done my job.

You are my son. There is no way to measure the enormity of my love - it is shown in many different ways. In clean clothes, in new shoes, in glances back at the school gate when you see me and smile. In hugs where I feel lost in you and I never want to let go. When will that final cuddle be? Will I know it? Will you..?

I loved you first but not the longest and I will not love you last. But I still have tomorrow and the sun will shine and I will hear your laughter and you will run into the house from the garden like the whirlwind you are and your echo will live on for many years after you’ve left. If I walk round the corner quickly, I may just catch you there as the shadows dance in the evening light. Always remember my beautiful boy I loved you first…

Love you Jake, my little Phoenix, you are the star that lit up my heart with your fire xxx

Uprising...

First I want to say I in no way condone the mindless violence that has occurred over the last few days. It has left me frightened, not only for my friends and family in London and the other affected areas but also for me and my family and what is to come. 

I don't think that we can just write these incidents off as pockets of opportunists, in my mind there is definitely more to it than that. Capitalism is to blame in a major way, as is the current government.  Us parents have to take a certain amount of responsibility too, the young people who have been stuck in front of the electronic babysitter (TV, for the unknowing) for hours on end from a very young and tender age have been spoonfed consumerism and this NEED to have everything.

The cuts made by the government on education, funding for school holiday clubs, and other such facilities have created a large civil unease in the young over the course of the last year and couple that with an idle mind that wanders to social media for entertainment,the increasing amount of almost totally lifelike violent games that have desensitised people to the prosepct of real gore and horror, the desire created by the advertising/media/PR execs that we must have these beautiful things(!) in our lives - it's all responsible and in part I can understand how it's happened.

I'm no real conspiracy theorist but I don't think this is the end of it either. The Met have all had their holiday revoked so 16,000 will now be on the streets tonight, but that just focuses all the attention in London. What about all the other high streets and shopping centres across the country, surely we're all a target for the uprising of the disaffected youth, no?

What is the answer? I don't think it's about the police that's for sure. If London gets hit again tonight then there is going to be a shitload of trigger happy coppers in pockets making overly "cautious" snap decisions which they'll write off as collateral damage. The people won't see it that way, which in turn will create more unease, and not just from the youth then as the parents will be incensed and seek recompense and justice for their loved ones.

It's got to be looking at the very foundations of our society, looking at what COMMUNITY means and taking responsibility, not just for ourselves but for our environment around us. The adage "don't shit on your own doorstep" has been decimated and it's about time those of us that care about where we live took it back. Not just from the kids that have spent such a short time wrecking it but also from the politicians who have helped in part to piss them off in the first place. To use another adage "it takes a community to raise a child" needs to be reclaimed too. We all need to open our front doors again and talk to our neighbours, get to know their kids, feed them if necessary, teach them about playing with TOYS (and I don't mean cheap plastic replica guns), not games consoles.

We need to reclaim our children, back from the media, back from the anger and agression and teach them that if they don't like something - DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT CONSTRUCTIVELY.

I know this is a very rose-tinted long-term view, I don't have a quick-fix answer to the immediate problems, I guess all that can be done in the short-term is treat the symptoms but I what I do know is that I don't want my 2 under 6's joining the ranks of those that think that the world owes them a living.

Grief and last goodbyes

I have copied this from a forum I post on as I felt I wanted to keep a record of how I'm feeling now to compare/contrast it to the reality of the situation when it happens (see last paragraph)

[quote]Am I being impatient, am I letting it drag on too long. I really just don't know.[/quote]

There is really no right or wrong answer to this one question, grief is in itself always that ambiguous. Sometimes it hits you full force in the face, sometimes it seeps it's way in like smoke under a door and you never really notice it until you're choking in the fumes.

After the initial shock of losing Jaia had worked it's way through, I found so much comfort in many many things, to the point where I really felt fine. Strangely this had occurred within the first fortnight or so. This isn't to say that I wasn't grieving, but I seem to go my calmest at times of extreme crisis, and usually my most Zen.

Christmas is probably the hardest time for me as a mother, as there will always be one person I'm not shopping for.

I have lost quite a few of my immediate family and a far too many friends over the last 15 years, my Grandad being one of the most recent. I totally understand what you mean about having images of them in hospital - I sat with Grandad as much as I could as he was blind and had Dementia and I couldn't bear the thought of him alone and lonely in a moment of clarity. Every day I used to share a rum and ginger with him (his old navy tradition of 6 bells never left him!) and sometimes one of the other dementia patients would sit down at the piano and I'd sing to Grandad as he lay there, I never knew how much of it he was aware of save for one time when I had made us a tot and I couldn't remember how he used to toast and so I took a chance on his awareness and asked him - to my utter surprise he replied straight away, bold as brass "Slainte!"

They are some of the better memories I hold from his 3 months in St Martin's. When he died I helped the nurses tend to him as I felt it my last duty so we washed him and got him changed ready for the funeral directors. I also helped to get him into his Black Watch tartan kilt and kit  for the funeral as I didn't mind and I was the only one in the family mentally able to do it at the time. He had been like a father to me all my life and I couldn't bear the thought of it being all wrong, he'd have hated that.

I remember a lot about that time I spent with my Grandad, but now nearly 3 years later the memories are quite a bit softer around the edges than they used to be - which is actually quite a nice thing to happen - and I just feel glad to have had the opportunity to do all the things I did with him, however sad, they helped tremendously in the long term to give me closure, something I'd never had in this way before.

I remember sitting in the chapel of rest on my own with Grandad doing a part of my daily Buddhist ritual to honour him. As I started chanting all I could think about was Jaia and before long I was sobbing and sobbing and I must have cried for about half an hour, it just brought so much back - I don't think I have ever sobbed like that before or since. It was like the pair of them together had flicked a switch and opened the floodgates. One loss invariably does tend to invoke the feelings and emotions of others gone by, it's unavoidable, but time, hugs, oodles of patience and permission to grieve in whatever manner you need to will make it all a little softer around the edges.

The one thing I'm dreading the unknown outcome of is when we finally get Jaia's headstone sorted. The stonemasons want a hell of a lot of money for it and right now it's just not possible but it's the only option, it's just perfect as it's not a tragic looking little white stone, it's a space for tranquil contemplation and happy memories - there is no other choice.

[img]http://www.kenwardandson.co.uk/prodimages/x19oct20091511-theramsey.jpg[/img]

It'll be 8 years next week since she died and I've finally managed to find out what caused Jaia to catch GBS the way she did, it's almost unheard of so it's taken me this long doing the research single handed. On her birthday we're going to re-landscape the grave as it's looking very sorry for itself and needs an overhaul. I can't imagine how I'm going to feel when I see the little marble tree next to the pond - it's going to feel all so very final, like the last goodbye.

Surviving the storm...

I just feel torn in all directions at the moment, I simply can't spread myself any thinner. Everyone that I spend my daily existence with needs something from me and as it stands I have nothing left of myself FOR myself. I have so much I need to get done and everything I have ownership of gets put on the back burner. I really need to get my coaching diploma finished but all the paperwork needs to be done. By the time I've had the kids all day, cooked their dinner and put them to bed, then cooked our dinner (if we haven't eaten together) and finished off whatever other jobs needed doing I'm so mentally wiped out I just don't seem to have the brain power to get the books out and start studying earnestly. I really feel I need to give my studies more then just the dregs of me but that's all I have left. I haven't spent thousands on the course to fail because I'm "too damn tired", that's not an acceptable excuse, it just isn't.

I'm worth more than that.

I have paid for another course from the same company and what the hell am I going to do if I'm struggling as much with this one? I realise things will get easier as the kids get older but I NEED to get this coursework finished and get qualified as this is our meal ticket to a better quality of life. I don't want to wait until the kids to get older, they won't feel the benefit of it when they've left home, will they? I want us to be able to live in a nice house in a nice area with good schools around and decent children to play with. I can't see us achieving anywhere near that unless I manage to start bringing in some money to significantly boost our income, it's just not do-able. As it is we've got a shedload of debt to pay off and we're not even making a real dent in it at the moment as we're robbing Peter to pay Paul just to survive with the economy the way it is at the moment.

And there's my Jaia, lying in a grave that looks as though we've forgotten her right now because we can't afford to buy her a decent headstone. It just tears me apart that there are things like this that have to be addressed and we can't - we just can't afford it :(

As for surviving the storm, well I feel like I'm barely managing to keep my head above water right now...

Invitation...

The Invitation by Oriah

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon...
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

I love this poem, I am really genuinely interested in people's answers to the questions that Oriah's asked in this beautiful piece of wordsmithery, 

Have a great weekend xxx

What a clever little boy I have...

Jake is just shy of turning 6 and he took the best photo yet of Roo and I together - better than any adult has managed so far. I got some great shots of my beautiful babies today too, it must be in the water!

This is my favourite one of the two of them - the love is tangible :)

as is the infectious laughter of children

 I love the bond these two have as I invited my Auntie to be at Roo's birth as she's never had (nor indeed ever will have)children herself and I thought it would be a nice thing to do to let her experience the emergence of a much loved new life...

 My daughter's namesake - my Nan Ruby, as photographed by my 5 year old Jakey

Daddy, through Jake's eyes...

 Roo - whenever youput a camera in front of her, her face just lights up and she starts beaming at you!

Jake's a bot of a tart too, he loves the attention (who could blame him!) 

 I adore the soul-piercing stare that Roo's making to the camera - Jake took this and it really captures the intensity of her eyes, just beautiful

 My 2 Ruby's - my favourite ladies in my life

My 2 and their cousins (My brother's girls), the babies are only 8 weeks apart in age.

I love my family SOOOOOO much!

Homework - an interesting Q&A...

I have just read this on a forum I post on and thought it was well worth noting for future reference. The first part in red is the question, the green section is the answer it received.

Ds1 is 12 and in year 7.  The amount of homework he has is, in my opinion, way too much.  He is spending hours on it at night, and it is encroaching on his time to do things like drum practice, as well as affecting his ability to cope.  He has been rather upset at times, feeling absolutely inundated and snowed under.  I don’t feel he should feel like that at his age, and worry that he will become disillusioned with it all by the time he needs to be focussed on it all for exams.

I went to see the pastoral manager for his year group today, and her attitude was that he should be doing 20 minutes per subject, and that is enough to get a COOLLS stamp (basically a tick from the teacher). Now, this seems to me that therefore they should just do the token amount to get the stamp, and not do work to the best of their ability, or take pride in their work, which Ds1 does do at the moment, and which is why he is feeling inundated.  I put this to her, and her opinion was that it is to get them learning independently ( I didn’t point out to her that he does plenty of independent learning already at home, perhaps I should have!)

She suggested that he ought to be stricter in doing just what has been asked, and not taking on responsibilities of others, which I do agree with, but then with group work, when others are not pulling their weight despite frequent attempts to encourage them, how disheartening to put your all into it, to find the rest of the work will be letting you down, so he does extra. 

I’m unsure what to say to ds1 now.  If I say just do your allotted 20minutes, how does this instill pride in his work?  But then it would ease the stress he is feeling at the moment.

If you have been able to make any sense of any of this, I would be grateful to hear your thoughts.

3x 20 min homework activities at this age is pretty standard.  If it sets your mind at ease at all this was a very common problem when I was a Y7 Head of Year but it does get better as kids adapt to life at secondary school.  Your son should do the work to the best of his ability but only what he can manage in the time given.  No teacher wants a child to be tiring themselves out doing homework and making themselves stressed and miserable.  They’re then too tired to learn effectively the next day.

Reassure your son that this is normal and all part of learning to adapt to secondary school and he isn’t the first person to struggle with this and his HoY has said it’s fine to just do 20 mins so he doesn’t need to feel stressed or worried.

I think the best way to approach this is help with time management.  For a week or so sit down every evening with ds and look at each activity in turn and help him plan how much time he will allot to the different parts of a task and how long he can realistically spend on each bit if he only has 20 mins.  Help him break the task down into manageable pieces and write down next to each bit how long he will spend doing that bit and stick to it.  This is a skill that when cracked will be invaluable to him in the future.

Have a clock on the desk in front of him. You could also get a ‘traffic light’ type timer that you can programme (I got mine from a shop called Teaching Trends but they don’t seem to sell them in their online store so maybe google if you fancy one - they come into their own when doing practice papers later on so worth the investment.)  It has three lights: green, amber and red so works as a visual cue to how the time is passing. 

It may also help to think about handwriting for written tasks.  While legible handwriting is always appreciated it doesn’t have to be perfect (and usually isn’t!!!!).  Getting the task done is far more important at this stage than having it look beautiful.  I’m not suggesting letting standards slip massively but it is something to think about in terms of speeding up - often handwriting slows kids down at this age.  Underlining headings neatly shows care for presentation.  The same applies to typing - learning to touch type helps kids enormously and it is absolutely fine for an adult to type-up something that has genuinely been dictated by the child while their typing speed is improving but do put a note on that it has been typed by an adult. 

If doing a worksheet that gives the available marks for each question, make sure he only gives enough points to gain that number of marks as there aren’t any extra marks available.

If doing Maths or Science questions that don’t require lots of writing, simply do 20 mins then stop.  This is also an indicator to the teacher of how your son is coping so is important information.  If he spends an hour answering 10 questions but the teacher assumes he has only spent the allotted 20 mins, he won’t receive the help he may need.

It sounds like your son is very conscientious which his teachers will be aware of therefore if your ds is unable to finish a piece of work simply write a little note explaining that this is how much he managed in the 20 mins given and it shouldn’t be a problem.  If another 5 mins or so will finish it, that’s fine, keep going but if it’s going to take hours, stop.

Also, just a thought, but where does your son do his homework?  Perhaps try a different place - if he’s on his own in his room, try him at the kitchen table where you can keep an eye on him or equally, if he’s at the kitchen table, move him to his room where he can have silence.  Worth a try - we all find out where and how we work best by trial and error.  I need silence and isolation, my big bro liked loud music to help him concentrate…cue fireworks in our house years ago!

It is very common for kids to need help learning how to speed up and manage time efficiently when moving up to the secondary phase.  Homework is set not just for consolidation or to prepare for the next lesson but also to allow the teacher to assess how your child can cope independently so it is often really helpful to see what is actually achieved in 20 mins of concentrated attention. It may possibly be a good pointer to teachers that certain tasks set aren’t manageable in 20 mins and need addressing as each cohort can be different. You have the assurance of his pastoral manager (good grief - I feel really out of date calling myself a HoY!!) that this is ok so there shouldn’t be any come back for your son.

Sorry for the long post!  Hope this helps.

Good luck!

xx

ETA: I am very anti-homework in the primary phase but as a Secondary teacher I feel it is a really useful tool in monitoring learning.  As a teacher of English I saw each class for just three hours a week.  Homework was a really good way to check understanding of individuals so that one would never assume something had been understood because a child could do something in class or didn’t ask a question but then struggled at home.  Homework responses inform where the teacher goes next.  For example, has something been understood or does it need reviewing? Someone raises an interesting point I hadn’t thought of - let’s talk about this next lesson.  Everyone seems to have got the hang of a point but Johnny hasn’t so I’ll go over it again with Johnny in a quiet moment.  It informs responsive, reflective, individualised practice.

Also ETA: Learning to find balance in life is such an important lesson that some of us never quite manage to get the hang of, so if you can encourage your son to get the homework done in the right time and then enjoy his evening doing things he loves that would be a brilliant gift. (Thinking of my dh who thinks if he’s awake he should be working due to his strict upbringing!!!)  Fun and laughter are important too! xx

Rites of passage

I'm so proud of my Jakeybear today. He stayed at Nanny and Grandad's last night with his sister who spent her first night away from me ever last night. Up until about a week ago Jake had insisted on continuing to use his old baby monitor (albeit a recently upgraded-to-a-2-way one) as he like to know that we could hear him when he was in bed at night and he could speak to us without having to come downstairs or shout and wake Roo up. He's always been very much a people person and really doesn't like being on his own, so the thought of us only being at the other end of the two-way was I suppose quite comforting.

The thing is, he's nearly 6 now and it's the one thing that I hadn't expected to last beyond babyhood. He still has his 'blankie' type thing and a teddy but has recently begun to decline 'needing' them (much less anyone else seeing him with them), and the other night after a bout of excessive calling out we took the monitor out for the night. Then the next night we put it back on, but out on the landing and he's not shown much concern about bringing it back in his room so this prompted us to reconsider using his 6th birthday next month as a 'rite of passage' in doing away with it ceremoniously. We decided that we might trial this out by asking Nanny to 'forget' to pack it when bringing the kids home. He hasn't even mentioned it tonight, I'm so proud.

Earlier on when he arrived home he came bounding up to me telling me how he'd had a great time at Nanny's and he didn't need me anymore(!). I was a little puzzled by this so questioned him further and he proceeded to tell me that the one thing he struggles with when sleeping away is now gone (there is a point right just before he goes to sleep when his internal homing beacon switches on and all he wants to do is come home to Mummy and Daddy). I asked him what was different about this time and he told me that 'I'm a big boy now, it's gone' and so I asked him about his nightly routine and what had changed in him and he told me that last night as usual Grandad had read him some stories and sat with him until he fell asleep. Only this time he woke up after Grandad had gone and he recognised the homing beacon feeling but reasoned with himself (like we've always told him) that he was just tired and he'd be asleep again in a minute, and then the moment passed.

 That's a massive step for our Jakey, possibly one of the biggest and I was so pleased that he felt that it was part of his journey to becoming a big boy, it was totally evident to see his own pride too, it was just beautiful.

Difficult Relationships

I'm a member of this message board comprised of real-time friends/acquaintances, numbering around a couple of hundred. We've been going since 2002, when we all first started getting to know each other and we have all followed each other's ups and downs from the trivial disagreements that most bulletin board communities have to births, marriages and deaths of our loved ones.

Back in the beginning I used to post every day, several times per day and felt reasonably confident in doing so. I was a more regular part of the community back then and had the confidence in the relationships I held with people to believe anyone was actually interested in things I had to say. Fast forward 9 years and I've stepped back a lot from the social scene associated with the board (nicknamed BBB) and now my confidence is pretty low. Due to having 2 young children to run around after and a house to maintain I get precious little time to sit and relax these days, and since the advent of Facebook most of my relaxation time is spent catching up with my WHOLE social network, as opposed to the micro-network of BBB which, while people tend to be a little more open about certain things on there (it's a closed invite-only forum) is vacuous enough to take up one heck of a lot of time that I don't have.

Every now and then though there comes a thread that induces thought to the point I need to develop it further somewhere, so I am going to use this post to do so. Anything I say at this stage is nothing more than a musing, a means of ponderment (ponderation?!!!) so I'll leave the conclusions for later.

The particular thread in question was referring to detoxing and addictions. It was started in December, possibly in readiness for the January resolutions. I have only read a few posts but it was enough to get me thinking about my own life and my relationships with things. I'm not ashamed to admit I have tried most things, and have never become dependant on anything more than a cup of tea and a cigarette. I always thought I didn't have an addictive personality until it came to 2 things, nicotine and food. The nicotine I managed to (more or less) knock on the head. I have come to the conclusion that I'll always have a smokers brain and no matter how long I go between cigarettes (20 mins or 20 years) I'll always have to be aware that I will never shake off the shackles of that addiction.

The thing is, I can handle quitting smoking, because I can just stop and not touch them again unless I choose to. It's a totally different ball park with food because we need it to survive so I can't just not touch it again. Being the main cook in the house I cook and plan all the meals in our house and Rob has little interest in developing this role any further, much to my chagrin.

So this leads me to the conclusion that because I can't just "quit" eating, I will have to change my relationship with food. What I'm going to find difficult is actually changing my relationship as I love the stuff - too much. How can you fall out of love with something that brings you comfort and pleasure ANYTIME you want???

I am struggling to find my motivator here. I can't tell myself it's for aesthetic reasons, because I'm not programmed that way. I can't tell myself it's for health reasons because I'm philosophical about the "trade-off!" I just don't know - where do I start??? I know I have to start somewhere, I have 2 children that I need to set an example for and I don't see the model of self discipline in the mirror when I chance a look...

Maybe that's it - I have to post up a couple of photos of the kids on my mirror to use as my motivation to take better care of myself (I usually come last as time is not on my side). Step One accomplished!

Now for the next step in changing my relationship - but I'll leave step two till next time - it's late now.

Good work, g'wan Mama!