Surviving the storm...

I just feel torn in all directions at the moment, I simply can't spread myself any thinner. Everyone that I spend my daily existence with needs something from me and as it stands I have nothing left of myself FOR myself. I have so much I need to get done and everything I have ownership of gets put on the back burner. I really need to get my coaching diploma finished but all the paperwork needs to be done. By the time I've had the kids all day, cooked their dinner and put them to bed, then cooked our dinner (if we haven't eaten together) and finished off whatever other jobs needed doing I'm so mentally wiped out I just don't seem to have the brain power to get the books out and start studying earnestly. I really feel I need to give my studies more then just the dregs of me but that's all I have left. I haven't spent thousands on the course to fail because I'm "too damn tired", that's not an acceptable excuse, it just isn't.

I'm worth more than that.

I have paid for another course from the same company and what the hell am I going to do if I'm struggling as much with this one? I realise things will get easier as the kids get older but I NEED to get this coursework finished and get qualified as this is our meal ticket to a better quality of life. I don't want to wait until the kids to get older, they won't feel the benefit of it when they've left home, will they? I want us to be able to live in a nice house in a nice area with good schools around and decent children to play with. I can't see us achieving anywhere near that unless I manage to start bringing in some money to significantly boost our income, it's just not do-able. As it is we've got a shedload of debt to pay off and we're not even making a real dent in it at the moment as we're robbing Peter to pay Paul just to survive with the economy the way it is at the moment.

And there's my Jaia, lying in a grave that looks as though we've forgotten her right now because we can't afford to buy her a decent headstone. It just tears me apart that there are things like this that have to be addressed and we can't - we just can't afford it :(

As for surviving the storm, well I feel like I'm barely managing to keep my head above water right now...