All time high (or low). TIME TO SORT YOUR LIFE OUT

I'm heading for rock bottom I reckon. I can't believe the scales said 15 stone 1 today - and I can't believe I've written it anywhere public. I guess I want to shame myself into losing around a third of my bodyweight. I wish I cared more. I wish I wasn't so tired all the time. I wish someone would help me. I wish I had more time to myself and more brain power. I wish I didn't feel so weak and had the courage to stick to things that require more than half an ounce of self-discipline.

I feel trapped inside this body and this brain. I know I should be able to do so much more but this 36 year old body feels about 56 I reckon.

I did some seriously hard daimoku tonight, I WANT TO CHANGE MY LIFE. I want to feel like a different person, but in a good way. I want to be able to wear a beautiful bohemian dress from Monsoon and LOOK GOOD IN IT! I'm sick to death of being fat, AND being in denial about so many things. I know I live to eat, not eat to live. It gives me pleasure and I can't imagine having to deny myself the one thing (apart from my family) that brings me pleasure when I have no real time or money to do other nice things for myself. (Nice) Food is an easy reward.

I have a golden opportunity to treat this month as a rebirth - I received Gohonzon this month and it's considered like another birthday - so why waste it? My heart is determined to succeed, I hope I can support my body in this endeavour as my children deserve to have a mother that's not going to be fat and depressed and disabled and die from something food-related. I OWE IT TO MY KIDS, never mind myself or my husband, that alone should be enough...

So, what DO I want, EXACTLY? I want to be healthy, and would like to be happy with myself, about a size 12 or 14 (as long as I look good in that Monsoon dress, remember?!!). Probably around 10 stone-ish. I want to have energy and be fit enough to run around with my children. I want to change my relationship with food where I don't love it as much as I do, I want to have exchanged it for a love of something else. I want to have the courage not only to start this, but also to continue after every slip-up, to pick myself up again and again and carry on until I am happy with what I have achieved.

Please don't let this be another one of those well-meaning posts...