All time high (or low). TIME TO SORT YOUR LIFE OUT

I'm heading for rock bottom I reckon. I can't believe the scales said 15 stone 1 today - and I can't believe I've written it anywhere public. I guess I want to shame myself into losing around a third of my bodyweight. I wish I cared more. I wish I wasn't so tired all the time. I wish someone would help me. I wish I had more time to myself and more brain power. I wish I didn't feel so weak and had the courage to stick to things that require more than half an ounce of self-discipline.

I feel trapped inside this body and this brain. I know I should be able to do so much more but this 36 year old body feels about 56 I reckon.

I did some seriously hard daimoku tonight, I WANT TO CHANGE MY LIFE. I want to feel like a different person, but in a good way. I want to be able to wear a beautiful bohemian dress from Monsoon and LOOK GOOD IN IT! I'm sick to death of being fat, AND being in denial about so many things. I know I live to eat, not eat to live. It gives me pleasure and I can't imagine having to deny myself the one thing (apart from my family) that brings me pleasure when I have no real time or money to do other nice things for myself. (Nice) Food is an easy reward.

I have a golden opportunity to treat this month as a rebirth - I received Gohonzon this month and it's considered like another birthday - so why waste it? My heart is determined to succeed, I hope I can support my body in this endeavour as my children deserve to have a mother that's not going to be fat and depressed and disabled and die from something food-related. I OWE IT TO MY KIDS, never mind myself or my husband, that alone should be enough...

So, what DO I want, EXACTLY? I want to be healthy, and would like to be happy with myself, about a size 12 or 14 (as long as I look good in that Monsoon dress, remember?!!). Probably around 10 stone-ish. I want to have energy and be fit enough to run around with my children. I want to change my relationship with food where I don't love it as much as I do, I want to have exchanged it for a love of something else. I want to have the courage not only to start this, but also to continue after every slip-up, to pick myself up again and again and carry on until I am happy with what I have achieved.

Please don't let this be another one of those well-meaning posts...

I loved you first...

I have just read this on someone else's blog and so much of it echoes the sentiment that I feel for my Jakey so I decided to personalise a few details and copy it below so that one day I may be able to read it to him so he knows that no matter what, I love him with all my heart: -

I Loved You First

One day I will sit you down and tell you just how amazing you are and you will accept this, not blush this time and we will just hug. It’ll be one of those hugs where I will breathe every ounce of you and try to lock away the smell and feelings so when you are gone I will have memories. You are amazing and I loved you first.

Our journey wasn’t an easy one. It was difficult but I tried, oh God how I tried. There were times I was broken and I couldn’t give my all to you and I hope that you forgive me my humanity. You are wonderful and I loved you first.

I remember the exact moment when I first loved you and I treasure that. It was like a rush of warmth to my heart and it was then that I became the lioness. I would have fought to the death for you and bear many battle scars now from all the times I have pushed myself forward for you, to fight your corner; to make you heard. You are beautiful and I loved you first.

We will grow together and I will see the man you will become. Your shoulders will be strong and I will be proud. You will make your way in the world and, perhaps, leave me behind but there will always be a home for you with me no matter how distant your boyhood seems. Time will accelerate for me and I will reminisce but you will humour me and sometimes, just sometimes I will still catch glimpse of the boy you once were. You will have changed beyond recognition but I will still have loved you first.

But you will slip away from me to another just as it should be. I will be in the shadows and they will be in your spotlight. Your heart will be broken and I, the lioness, will protect you but you will find that someone who lights your heart, makes you feel complete, makes you love. They must take the stage with you and you will plan your lives. Many will love you, you are magnificent but I loved you first.

I can claim the right as the selfish mother to love you first but I have to let go. I will help you over the coming years to become the man you will be and I will claim that as my greatest achievement. Your eyes, those beautiful hazel eyes just like mine, will look out onto the world with enthusiasm ready to start your journey. You say now you’ll never leave me and I soothingly say that you will and that you should and you won’t be able to wait to get started but you just can’t see that now.

I hope to see you as a father with you happy and settled with your partner and perhaps, I will see your little one and rush to them as I did to you. I will look deep into their eyes and search for you; will I see the baby I once had? I will rock them, soothe them and sing to them as I did with you. I will hand them back to their mother who will look at them with longing, satisfied eyes and see I will now that I will have done my job.

You are my son. There is no way to measure the enormity of my love - it is shown in many different ways. In clean clothes, in new shoes, in glances back at the school gate when you see me and smile. In hugs where I feel lost in you and I never want to let go. When will that final cuddle be? Will I know it? Will you..?

I loved you first but not the longest and I will not love you last. But I still have tomorrow and the sun will shine and I will hear your laughter and you will run into the house from the garden like the whirlwind you are and your echo will live on for many years after you’ve left. If I walk round the corner quickly, I may just catch you there as the shadows dance in the evening light. Always remember my beautiful boy I loved you first…

Love you Jake, my little Phoenix, you are the star that lit up my heart with your fire xxx

Uprising...

First I want to say I in no way condone the mindless violence that has occurred over the last few days. It has left me frightened, not only for my friends and family in London and the other affected areas but also for me and my family and what is to come. 

I don't think that we can just write these incidents off as pockets of opportunists, in my mind there is definitely more to it than that. Capitalism is to blame in a major way, as is the current government.  Us parents have to take a certain amount of responsibility too, the young people who have been stuck in front of the electronic babysitter (TV, for the unknowing) for hours on end from a very young and tender age have been spoonfed consumerism and this NEED to have everything.

The cuts made by the government on education, funding for school holiday clubs, and other such facilities have created a large civil unease in the young over the course of the last year and couple that with an idle mind that wanders to social media for entertainment,the increasing amount of almost totally lifelike violent games that have desensitised people to the prosepct of real gore and horror, the desire created by the advertising/media/PR execs that we must have these beautiful things(!) in our lives - it's all responsible and in part I can understand how it's happened.

I'm no real conspiracy theorist but I don't think this is the end of it either. The Met have all had their holiday revoked so 16,000 will now be on the streets tonight, but that just focuses all the attention in London. What about all the other high streets and shopping centres across the country, surely we're all a target for the uprising of the disaffected youth, no?

What is the answer? I don't think it's about the police that's for sure. If London gets hit again tonight then there is going to be a shitload of trigger happy coppers in pockets making overly "cautious" snap decisions which they'll write off as collateral damage. The people won't see it that way, which in turn will create more unease, and not just from the youth then as the parents will be incensed and seek recompense and justice for their loved ones.

It's got to be looking at the very foundations of our society, looking at what COMMUNITY means and taking responsibility, not just for ourselves but for our environment around us. The adage "don't shit on your own doorstep" has been decimated and it's about time those of us that care about where we live took it back. Not just from the kids that have spent such a short time wrecking it but also from the politicians who have helped in part to piss them off in the first place. To use another adage "it takes a community to raise a child" needs to be reclaimed too. We all need to open our front doors again and talk to our neighbours, get to know their kids, feed them if necessary, teach them about playing with TOYS (and I don't mean cheap plastic replica guns), not games consoles.

We need to reclaim our children, back from the media, back from the anger and agression and teach them that if they don't like something - DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT CONSTRUCTIVELY.

I know this is a very rose-tinted long-term view, I don't have a quick-fix answer to the immediate problems, I guess all that can be done in the short-term is treat the symptoms but I what I do know is that I don't want my 2 under 6's joining the ranks of those that think that the world owes them a living.

Grief and last goodbyes

I have copied this from a forum I post on as I felt I wanted to keep a record of how I'm feeling now to compare/contrast it to the reality of the situation when it happens (see last paragraph)

[quote]Am I being impatient, am I letting it drag on too long. I really just don't know.[/quote]

There is really no right or wrong answer to this one question, grief is in itself always that ambiguous. Sometimes it hits you full force in the face, sometimes it seeps it's way in like smoke under a door and you never really notice it until you're choking in the fumes.

After the initial shock of losing Jaia had worked it's way through, I found so much comfort in many many things, to the point where I really felt fine. Strangely this had occurred within the first fortnight or so. This isn't to say that I wasn't grieving, but I seem to go my calmest at times of extreme crisis, and usually my most Zen.

Christmas is probably the hardest time for me as a mother, as there will always be one person I'm not shopping for.

I have lost quite a few of my immediate family and a far too many friends over the last 15 years, my Grandad being one of the most recent. I totally understand what you mean about having images of them in hospital - I sat with Grandad as much as I could as he was blind and had Dementia and I couldn't bear the thought of him alone and lonely in a moment of clarity. Every day I used to share a rum and ginger with him (his old navy tradition of 6 bells never left him!) and sometimes one of the other dementia patients would sit down at the piano and I'd sing to Grandad as he lay there, I never knew how much of it he was aware of save for one time when I had made us a tot and I couldn't remember how he used to toast and so I took a chance on his awareness and asked him - to my utter surprise he replied straight away, bold as brass "Slainte!"

They are some of the better memories I hold from his 3 months in St Martin's. When he died I helped the nurses tend to him as I felt it my last duty so we washed him and got him changed ready for the funeral directors. I also helped to get him into his Black Watch tartan kilt and kit  for the funeral as I didn't mind and I was the only one in the family mentally able to do it at the time. He had been like a father to me all my life and I couldn't bear the thought of it being all wrong, he'd have hated that.

I remember a lot about that time I spent with my Grandad, but now nearly 3 years later the memories are quite a bit softer around the edges than they used to be - which is actually quite a nice thing to happen - and I just feel glad to have had the opportunity to do all the things I did with him, however sad, they helped tremendously in the long term to give me closure, something I'd never had in this way before.

I remember sitting in the chapel of rest on my own with Grandad doing a part of my daily Buddhist ritual to honour him. As I started chanting all I could think about was Jaia and before long I was sobbing and sobbing and I must have cried for about half an hour, it just brought so much back - I don't think I have ever sobbed like that before or since. It was like the pair of them together had flicked a switch and opened the floodgates. One loss invariably does tend to invoke the feelings and emotions of others gone by, it's unavoidable, but time, hugs, oodles of patience and permission to grieve in whatever manner you need to will make it all a little softer around the edges.

The one thing I'm dreading the unknown outcome of is when we finally get Jaia's headstone sorted. The stonemasons want a hell of a lot of money for it and right now it's just not possible but it's the only option, it's just perfect as it's not a tragic looking little white stone, it's a space for tranquil contemplation and happy memories - there is no other choice.

[img]http://www.kenwardandson.co.uk/prodimages/x19oct20091511-theramsey.jpg[/img]

It'll be 8 years next week since she died and I've finally managed to find out what caused Jaia to catch GBS the way she did, it's almost unheard of so it's taken me this long doing the research single handed. On her birthday we're going to re-landscape the grave as it's looking very sorry for itself and needs an overhaul. I can't imagine how I'm going to feel when I see the little marble tree next to the pond - it's going to feel all so very final, like the last goodbye.

Surviving the storm...

I just feel torn in all directions at the moment, I simply can't spread myself any thinner. Everyone that I spend my daily existence with needs something from me and as it stands I have nothing left of myself FOR myself. I have so much I need to get done and everything I have ownership of gets put on the back burner. I really need to get my coaching diploma finished but all the paperwork needs to be done. By the time I've had the kids all day, cooked their dinner and put them to bed, then cooked our dinner (if we haven't eaten together) and finished off whatever other jobs needed doing I'm so mentally wiped out I just don't seem to have the brain power to get the books out and start studying earnestly. I really feel I need to give my studies more then just the dregs of me but that's all I have left. I haven't spent thousands on the course to fail because I'm "too damn tired", that's not an acceptable excuse, it just isn't.

I'm worth more than that.

I have paid for another course from the same company and what the hell am I going to do if I'm struggling as much with this one? I realise things will get easier as the kids get older but I NEED to get this coursework finished and get qualified as this is our meal ticket to a better quality of life. I don't want to wait until the kids to get older, they won't feel the benefit of it when they've left home, will they? I want us to be able to live in a nice house in a nice area with good schools around and decent children to play with. I can't see us achieving anywhere near that unless I manage to start bringing in some money to significantly boost our income, it's just not do-able. As it is we've got a shedload of debt to pay off and we're not even making a real dent in it at the moment as we're robbing Peter to pay Paul just to survive with the economy the way it is at the moment.

And there's my Jaia, lying in a grave that looks as though we've forgotten her right now because we can't afford to buy her a decent headstone. It just tears me apart that there are things like this that have to be addressed and we can't - we just can't afford it :(

As for surviving the storm, well I feel like I'm barely managing to keep my head above water right now...

Invitation...

The Invitation by Oriah

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon...
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

I love this poem, I am really genuinely interested in people's answers to the questions that Oriah's asked in this beautiful piece of wordsmithery, 

Have a great weekend xxx

What a clever little boy I have...

Jake is just shy of turning 6 and he took the best photo yet of Roo and I together - better than any adult has managed so far. I got some great shots of my beautiful babies today too, it must be in the water!

This is my favourite one of the two of them - the love is tangible :)

as is the infectious laughter of children

 I love the bond these two have as I invited my Auntie to be at Roo's birth as she's never had (nor indeed ever will have)children herself and I thought it would be a nice thing to do to let her experience the emergence of a much loved new life...

 My daughter's namesake - my Nan Ruby, as photographed by my 5 year old Jakey

Daddy, through Jake's eyes...

 Roo - whenever youput a camera in front of her, her face just lights up and she starts beaming at you!

Jake's a bot of a tart too, he loves the attention (who could blame him!) 

 I adore the soul-piercing stare that Roo's making to the camera - Jake took this and it really captures the intensity of her eyes, just beautiful

 My 2 Ruby's - my favourite ladies in my life

My 2 and their cousins (My brother's girls), the babies are only 8 weeks apart in age.

I love my family SOOOOOO much!

Homework - an interesting Q&A...

I have just read this on a forum I post on and thought it was well worth noting for future reference. The first part in red is the question, the green section is the answer it received.

Ds1 is 12 and in year 7.  The amount of homework he has is, in my opinion, way too much.  He is spending hours on it at night, and it is encroaching on his time to do things like drum practice, as well as affecting his ability to cope.  He has been rather upset at times, feeling absolutely inundated and snowed under.  I don’t feel he should feel like that at his age, and worry that he will become disillusioned with it all by the time he needs to be focussed on it all for exams.

I went to see the pastoral manager for his year group today, and her attitude was that he should be doing 20 minutes per subject, and that is enough to get a COOLLS stamp (basically a tick from the teacher). Now, this seems to me that therefore they should just do the token amount to get the stamp, and not do work to the best of their ability, or take pride in their work, which Ds1 does do at the moment, and which is why he is feeling inundated.  I put this to her, and her opinion was that it is to get them learning independently ( I didn’t point out to her that he does plenty of independent learning already at home, perhaps I should have!)

She suggested that he ought to be stricter in doing just what has been asked, and not taking on responsibilities of others, which I do agree with, but then with group work, when others are not pulling their weight despite frequent attempts to encourage them, how disheartening to put your all into it, to find the rest of the work will be letting you down, so he does extra. 

I’m unsure what to say to ds1 now.  If I say just do your allotted 20minutes, how does this instill pride in his work?  But then it would ease the stress he is feeling at the moment.

If you have been able to make any sense of any of this, I would be grateful to hear your thoughts.

3x 20 min homework activities at this age is pretty standard.  If it sets your mind at ease at all this was a very common problem when I was a Y7 Head of Year but it does get better as kids adapt to life at secondary school.  Your son should do the work to the best of his ability but only what he can manage in the time given.  No teacher wants a child to be tiring themselves out doing homework and making themselves stressed and miserable.  They’re then too tired to learn effectively the next day.

Reassure your son that this is normal and all part of learning to adapt to secondary school and he isn’t the first person to struggle with this and his HoY has said it’s fine to just do 20 mins so he doesn’t need to feel stressed or worried.

I think the best way to approach this is help with time management.  For a week or so sit down every evening with ds and look at each activity in turn and help him plan how much time he will allot to the different parts of a task and how long he can realistically spend on each bit if he only has 20 mins.  Help him break the task down into manageable pieces and write down next to each bit how long he will spend doing that bit and stick to it.  This is a skill that when cracked will be invaluable to him in the future.

Have a clock on the desk in front of him. You could also get a ‘traffic light’ type timer that you can programme (I got mine from a shop called Teaching Trends but they don’t seem to sell them in their online store so maybe google if you fancy one - they come into their own when doing practice papers later on so worth the investment.)  It has three lights: green, amber and red so works as a visual cue to how the time is passing. 

It may also help to think about handwriting for written tasks.  While legible handwriting is always appreciated it doesn’t have to be perfect (and usually isn’t!!!!).  Getting the task done is far more important at this stage than having it look beautiful.  I’m not suggesting letting standards slip massively but it is something to think about in terms of speeding up - often handwriting slows kids down at this age.  Underlining headings neatly shows care for presentation.  The same applies to typing - learning to touch type helps kids enormously and it is absolutely fine for an adult to type-up something that has genuinely been dictated by the child while their typing speed is improving but do put a note on that it has been typed by an adult. 

If doing a worksheet that gives the available marks for each question, make sure he only gives enough points to gain that number of marks as there aren’t any extra marks available.

If doing Maths or Science questions that don’t require lots of writing, simply do 20 mins then stop.  This is also an indicator to the teacher of how your son is coping so is important information.  If he spends an hour answering 10 questions but the teacher assumes he has only spent the allotted 20 mins, he won’t receive the help he may need.

It sounds like your son is very conscientious which his teachers will be aware of therefore if your ds is unable to finish a piece of work simply write a little note explaining that this is how much he managed in the 20 mins given and it shouldn’t be a problem.  If another 5 mins or so will finish it, that’s fine, keep going but if it’s going to take hours, stop.

Also, just a thought, but where does your son do his homework?  Perhaps try a different place - if he’s on his own in his room, try him at the kitchen table where you can keep an eye on him or equally, if he’s at the kitchen table, move him to his room where he can have silence.  Worth a try - we all find out where and how we work best by trial and error.  I need silence and isolation, my big bro liked loud music to help him concentrate…cue fireworks in our house years ago!

It is very common for kids to need help learning how to speed up and manage time efficiently when moving up to the secondary phase.  Homework is set not just for consolidation or to prepare for the next lesson but also to allow the teacher to assess how your child can cope independently so it is often really helpful to see what is actually achieved in 20 mins of concentrated attention. It may possibly be a good pointer to teachers that certain tasks set aren’t manageable in 20 mins and need addressing as each cohort can be different. You have the assurance of his pastoral manager (good grief - I feel really out of date calling myself a HoY!!) that this is ok so there shouldn’t be any come back for your son.

Sorry for the long post!  Hope this helps.

Good luck!

xx

ETA: I am very anti-homework in the primary phase but as a Secondary teacher I feel it is a really useful tool in monitoring learning.  As a teacher of English I saw each class for just three hours a week.  Homework was a really good way to check understanding of individuals so that one would never assume something had been understood because a child could do something in class or didn’t ask a question but then struggled at home.  Homework responses inform where the teacher goes next.  For example, has something been understood or does it need reviewing? Someone raises an interesting point I hadn’t thought of - let’s talk about this next lesson.  Everyone seems to have got the hang of a point but Johnny hasn’t so I’ll go over it again with Johnny in a quiet moment.  It informs responsive, reflective, individualised practice.

Also ETA: Learning to find balance in life is such an important lesson that some of us never quite manage to get the hang of, so if you can encourage your son to get the homework done in the right time and then enjoy his evening doing things he loves that would be a brilliant gift. (Thinking of my dh who thinks if he’s awake he should be working due to his strict upbringing!!!)  Fun and laughter are important too! xx

Rites of passage

I'm so proud of my Jakeybear today. He stayed at Nanny and Grandad's last night with his sister who spent her first night away from me ever last night. Up until about a week ago Jake had insisted on continuing to use his old baby monitor (albeit a recently upgraded-to-a-2-way one) as he like to know that we could hear him when he was in bed at night and he could speak to us without having to come downstairs or shout and wake Roo up. He's always been very much a people person and really doesn't like being on his own, so the thought of us only being at the other end of the two-way was I suppose quite comforting.

The thing is, he's nearly 6 now and it's the one thing that I hadn't expected to last beyond babyhood. He still has his 'blankie' type thing and a teddy but has recently begun to decline 'needing' them (much less anyone else seeing him with them), and the other night after a bout of excessive calling out we took the monitor out for the night. Then the next night we put it back on, but out on the landing and he's not shown much concern about bringing it back in his room so this prompted us to reconsider using his 6th birthday next month as a 'rite of passage' in doing away with it ceremoniously. We decided that we might trial this out by asking Nanny to 'forget' to pack it when bringing the kids home. He hasn't even mentioned it tonight, I'm so proud.

Earlier on when he arrived home he came bounding up to me telling me how he'd had a great time at Nanny's and he didn't need me anymore(!). I was a little puzzled by this so questioned him further and he proceeded to tell me that the one thing he struggles with when sleeping away is now gone (there is a point right just before he goes to sleep when his internal homing beacon switches on and all he wants to do is come home to Mummy and Daddy). I asked him what was different about this time and he told me that 'I'm a big boy now, it's gone' and so I asked him about his nightly routine and what had changed in him and he told me that last night as usual Grandad had read him some stories and sat with him until he fell asleep. Only this time he woke up after Grandad had gone and he recognised the homing beacon feeling but reasoned with himself (like we've always told him) that he was just tired and he'd be asleep again in a minute, and then the moment passed.

 That's a massive step for our Jakey, possibly one of the biggest and I was so pleased that he felt that it was part of his journey to becoming a big boy, it was totally evident to see his own pride too, it was just beautiful.

Difficult Relationships

I'm a member of this message board comprised of real-time friends/acquaintances, numbering around a couple of hundred. We've been going since 2002, when we all first started getting to know each other and we have all followed each other's ups and downs from the trivial disagreements that most bulletin board communities have to births, marriages and deaths of our loved ones.

Back in the beginning I used to post every day, several times per day and felt reasonably confident in doing so. I was a more regular part of the community back then and had the confidence in the relationships I held with people to believe anyone was actually interested in things I had to say. Fast forward 9 years and I've stepped back a lot from the social scene associated with the board (nicknamed BBB) and now my confidence is pretty low. Due to having 2 young children to run around after and a house to maintain I get precious little time to sit and relax these days, and since the advent of Facebook most of my relaxation time is spent catching up with my WHOLE social network, as opposed to the micro-network of BBB which, while people tend to be a little more open about certain things on there (it's a closed invite-only forum) is vacuous enough to take up one heck of a lot of time that I don't have.

Every now and then though there comes a thread that induces thought to the point I need to develop it further somewhere, so I am going to use this post to do so. Anything I say at this stage is nothing more than a musing, a means of ponderment (ponderation?!!!) so I'll leave the conclusions for later.

The particular thread in question was referring to detoxing and addictions. It was started in December, possibly in readiness for the January resolutions. I have only read a few posts but it was enough to get me thinking about my own life and my relationships with things. I'm not ashamed to admit I have tried most things, and have never become dependant on anything more than a cup of tea and a cigarette. I always thought I didn't have an addictive personality until it came to 2 things, nicotine and food. The nicotine I managed to (more or less) knock on the head. I have come to the conclusion that I'll always have a smokers brain and no matter how long I go between cigarettes (20 mins or 20 years) I'll always have to be aware that I will never shake off the shackles of that addiction.

The thing is, I can handle quitting smoking, because I can just stop and not touch them again unless I choose to. It's a totally different ball park with food because we need it to survive so I can't just not touch it again. Being the main cook in the house I cook and plan all the meals in our house and Rob has little interest in developing this role any further, much to my chagrin.

So this leads me to the conclusion that because I can't just "quit" eating, I will have to change my relationship with food. What I'm going to find difficult is actually changing my relationship as I love the stuff - too much. How can you fall out of love with something that brings you comfort and pleasure ANYTIME you want???

I am struggling to find my motivator here. I can't tell myself it's for aesthetic reasons, because I'm not programmed that way. I can't tell myself it's for health reasons because I'm philosophical about the "trade-off!" I just don't know - where do I start??? I know I have to start somewhere, I have 2 children that I need to set an example for and I don't see the model of self discipline in the mirror when I chance a look...

Maybe that's it - I have to post up a couple of photos of the kids on my mirror to use as my motivation to take better care of myself (I usually come last as time is not on my side). Step One accomplished!

Now for the next step in changing my relationship - but I'll leave step two till next time - it's late now.

Good work, g'wan Mama!

Long time no postings...

Not sure if I am actually inspired enough to write anything of any import right now, I just wanted to break back into the blogging habit again, and so I'm half-arsedly bashing out a few words to bring this blog up to date.

Haven't blogged since 2007 and I guess quite a lot has (obviously) happened since then, but how much of it has been of consequence?

Well, had a bit of a dark time the back end of 2007 and it felt like my life had had started to come crashing down round me, but it was just my mind going all fragile on me again; hopefully though for the last time. It took me a long time to start to claw myself back and just as I started to feel like I had a "me" to speak of again my Grandad (who had suddenly gone blind a year before) took a severe downturn mid-2008 and in the course of three months got completely taken over by his dementia and he died, 3 days after Rob's birthday. I not only lost my Grandad that day, I lost my Dad as he was the closest thing I have ever had to a father figure that I could respect and look up to.

Through all of this I had found a lovely group of people practising a certain type of Buddhism and it was this practise that started me on the road to recovering myself. I can't say it was a particularly religious experience, more to do with what is known in Buddhist circles as "human revolution" - meaning changing your environment from the inside out, starting with yourself.

Whilst on this journey of human revolution I found an idea I wanted to pursue with a view to helping the local community but felt I lacked a certain degree of knowledge and expertise in one or two areas. I then decided to do a short 2 day course in basic coaching skills to find out if it was something I could take further. Whilst the actual course cost thousands and I thought I'd never be able to afford to do it, somehow I found the will and the inclination and a way to make it happen. I started my coaching course back in September and did all the accelerator training days in one week.

I am still studying to be a coach (it's a lot more time consuming when you have a child under 5!), hoping to finish my course this summer - I could really do with completing it by then as I'm 18 weeks pregnant and "Bubbles" is due on Rob's birthday in August!

Right, kind of up to date for now so will pootle off and go and watch my gorgeous boy at his last 15mins of Judo...

Toodle Pip!

beautiful words...

Just something I read earlier that I wanted to keep for posterity: -


"Compassion, in which all ethics must take root, can only attain its full breadth and depth if it embraces all living creatures and does not limit itself to mankind."

Albert Schweitzer

how life changes - another brain fart

Man, it's been a heck of a long time since I posted, and so much has changed in my life since the last one.

Quit my job, changed my social circle (somewhat!), been into hospital, got nearly drowned at Glastonbury and these last few weeks I've been trying to rescue the vestiges of my sanity from quite possibly the darkest depression I have ever known.

I wish I could come on here and feel like I had something positive to contribute but my outlook is just so bleak I can't see any way out right now. All my passion for stuff has departed and in it's place is this cancerous emptiness. The only thing that keeps me going is Jake, because I have to and I worry so much that this "me" that is nothing but a shell is going to have some kind of detrimental effect on him. To say I'm fucked in the head right now is something of an understatement. It's almost as if I can see myself breaking down, time-lapse photography style. I'm sick of visiting my GP as it's been almost weekly lately because of my back pain and so I went to see him yesterday for (yet another) referral, only to be advised that very afternoon I need to get him to refer me to local mental health services... I just have no energy left. I'm surprised I'm writing this to be fair as I have no inspiration, no desire, nothing. I guess I'm just typing this to see what the inside of my head looks like. I dunno.

Oh well, gotta pick Jake up from preschool soon so I'm off.

Laters

it's been a while...

and I've still not got much time to post, but I thought I'd stick some photos up on here of my beloved Jakey...

And here comes the future Superstar DJ with a fantastic hands in the air moment.......

(.....shame it's only Abba on Grandad's headphones)

Giving yourself permission...

It's a funny old turn of phrase isn't it? Three and a half years on I'm still trying to make sense of this whole grief thing. Time goes on and just when I think I've got a handle on it and I'm moving on Christmas comes along and shatters my whole world to pieces.

I miss her like you wouldn't believe. It's not even her birthday when I'm down the cemetery that makes me upset. her grave's just another place to me now, most people go down to visit her and shed their tears but not me. I think I'm the only one that can't cry for her there, I don't know.

The first few mornings after she died we'd awake from our sleep and for the first few seconds everything would be alright. then the reality of the true horror would hit us and we'd just lay in each other's arms in bed, crying as we realised that she wasn't inside me anymore, she was gone.

It's supposed to get easier in time, isn't it? Every day that passes I become further away from her and each day without her seems harder to bear. I don't know how much harder it has to get before I break into a million tiny pieces.

Recently the prospect of staying asleep has felt like the more preferable option than waking up and deaing with the fact that there will always be an empty space at the dinner table.

The funny thing is I know all the facts; I could probably quote chapter and verse at you the textbook definition of the stages of grief, but none of it seems to fit with me. You can tilt your head to one side and smile at me in that sympathetic way and ofer all the platitudes and wise words and nothing will change the fact that she's never coming back. Nothing you say will make a difference.

I just want to stay in that place when I sleep where I don't have to think, I don't have to "do" - I can just forget. But then surely that'd mean that I'd have forgotten her too, wouldn't it? How could I want to forget my precious daughter, my firstborn.

And how can I stay in that place when I have Jake, who, whilst angry at me for leaving him every day to go out to work is still everything we were working towards when I was carrying Jaia. just reminds me of that Remembrance Sunday quote "remember the dead, but don't forget the living".

I'm so lost it's stupid.

my feet haven't touched the ground...

... In the last few weeks, I've hardly had 5 minutes to call my own, let alone to post on here! I started my job in London; Jake's gone into full-time childcare which has been a total emotional wrench for both of us and we're now trying to settle into a new routine, mainly consisting on early nights for me and even earlier mornings for Jake.

I'm up before dawn and don't see my son now till after dark - thursday last week he didn't see me at all :( All I got to see of him was when I went into check on him before I went to bed that night.

Lots to learn at the new job - meetings, nowhere near enough training for my liking but I've just got my first appointment and it's at none other than Music Bank Studios - http://www.musicbank.org and although it's not a massive commission (they don't spend all that much on their telecoms) - when I go in there next wednesday I'll be like a kid in a sweetshop looking round it. This year they've had everyone from Robbie Williams, to Kylie, Snow Patrol, Massive Attack and The Darkness. I'm really excited about it (as if you can't tell!).

Keeping this brief as I've got a mountain of work to do to get myself and Jake ready for the morning and Rob's got another job interview tomorrow at 5.

Rob's work's xmas meal is this Thursday and mine is friday the 15th at a bar in The Minories which should be fun.

Keep you posted, when I get the chance!

Ciao

L
x

And Breathe...

So we've had an interesting weekend, went down to Whitstable to stay with my Nan and Grandad and as usual when we're down there Jake went to my Mum's friday night. All was going well until Saturday night when we ended up having a blazing row with my Mum and Stepdad which put a damper on the rest of the proceedings somewhat.

All we wanted was to make sure Jake was safe in their child carseat and my stepdad went ballistic when for the second night in a row I noticed it wasn't fixed in properly and we said we weren't happy for Jake to travel in it until we were satisfied it was secure. I got a tirade of abuse about how he was an engineer and he knew it wasn't going anywhere (it was wobbling about all over the fucking shop) and wouldn't even let me get a torch to try and see if I could secure it any more myself. It seemed to us whenever we specifically asked them to do something while they had Jake in their care there has always been an excuse and this was the straw that broke the camel's back. Having been in a near fatal car accident when I was a child and after losing my firstborn I wasn't about to take a chance with Jake. I basically told them that if they couldn't respect our wishes then we simply wouldn't be happy and relaxed with him in their care anymore, and until that was the case that was the end of it.

I'd just had enough. Rob went round to theirs, collected his travel cot and the rest of his stuff and sat down and told them that up to now he hadn't put his two penneth in as he didn't want to make matters worse but it'd got to the point where it was affecting us and there was no way he was going to let that happen anymore, especially speaking as Jake's father and taking a united front as our own family.

So Mum was giving it all the tears and Roger was somewhat regretting his hasty defensive words and after chatting a bit more to Rob he arrived back at my Nan's where we were staying.

I've already mourned the loss of my mother after he (my stepdad) made her choose between me and him when I was 15 and she chose him. I couldn't care less if I ever saw her again, but I felt that her and Jake had something to gain from having a relationship and put my personal feelings (or lack thereof) to one side.

Neither did I regret one word of what I said, nor apologised for it as far as I'm concerned I meant every word, and stand by my convictions. She was a bad mother to me (with shite taste in men to boot) and I'm not letting my son suffer at her hands, but I'm also not going to make him suffer by not letting him see her at all as I know what it's like to feel lacking in a family relationship.

So I called her that night and explained that all we wanted was for them to respect our wishes and if we ask for something to be done while he's in their care, it is done TO.THE.LETTER. We ask for good reason and that is all they need to know. If they can respect that then there's no problem and bygones are just that.

GAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My mother and father suck. I'm just glad I cut all ties with my father and have one less parent to fight with.

No-one in my family is gonna pull rank with me anymore as I have earned the right as a mother and wife to make my own choices and for them to live with the consequences of their actions.

Busy busy!

My God, my feet have hardly touched the ground this last week or so! From where I left off with my last post I've been preparing like crazy for the job interview, to the point where on Monday night I put my bits and pieces back in my interview bag and said to Rob "I've done enough". I knew that I was so hideously over-prepared that if I didn't get the job then it certainly wasn't because I didn't know what I was talking about. I was happy with everything that I'd done and when I got into the boardroom for my interview my preconceptions were correct, that the interview was pretty much nothing more than a formality and they offered me the job on the spot.

The surprising thing was that they'd come in and offered me the top figure that I'd asked for in the bracket as my basic salary. When I was talking to them initially they asked me what I was looking for and I gave them a figure that I would be looking for had it been a local job, but had to call them back a couple of days later and tell them that with the extra travelling it'd put a fair amount on top of my childcare when you calculated it annually, and lo and behold they accepted. I know that I could have probably got about another 3 grand as that's the going rate in London, but having no product knowledge was a serious hindrance and I know I'll be in a much better position to get a more substantial payrise further down the line.

So the last few days have been spent ironing out the contract, going out and getting clothes and stuff for work, arranging childcare and making sure Jake and I are ready and prepared for next week.

Make photo slide shows at onetruemedia.com

Saturday however I took a day out of job stuff and with Jake at Nanny and Grandad's we went to see our friends Ben and Heather in Lewisham and about 20 or so of us piled on down to Blackheath to watch their annual firework display and then go back for soup, of which I brought over some of my home made Cream of Potato and Sweetcorn *lickslips*

Jake came back Sunday evening and after initially being really freaked out by all the fireworks banging and popping we turned all the downstairs lights off and stood with him at the lounge window and he watched "all the pretty magic stars" from the safety and comfort of the lounge. We even put a few spare sparklers in the ground and let him watch them burn and we sang "twinkle twinkle little star" as they were sparkling away. We caught his wonderment on videocamera as he just sounded sooooo cute with all his "oooow's" and "ahhhhh's" and the banging on the window when he saw something. Can't wait to take him out next year, when hopefully he'll be a little less frightened of the noise.

Anyhoo, my job starts on Wednesday 15th and Rob's got a training course in London all day which'll mean we can get the train in and home together on my first day.

Job stuff..

Okay, that was totally out of the blue. Just got a call from the company I have an interview at next Tuesday and talk about catch me off guard It was from the Big Honcho, who is/was supposed to be co-interviewing me next week and he *might not* be able to be present if he doesn't get back to the office on time. SO... he asks if he can give me a pseudo telephone interview now

So I'm sat in the lounge freaking out, thinking I have had zero time to prepare (the upside being that Jake's asleep so best to strike while the iron's hot). Loads of facts and figures were thrown at me, and it appears that the company are a lot smaller than I initially thought (presently 22 people), but after being in business 4 years they have absolutely no debt. (is this normal??).

Chatted to him for about 20 minutes and he appears to be totally happy for me to go to interview without him present, although it seems to me that this interview appears to be somewhat of a formality and they've pretty much already made their mind up. I think if I do okay on Tuesday I will get offered the job there and then. In all honesty I'm not sure what to say if they offer it to me on the spot as I'm not particularly au fait with current interview etiquette. I'd rather feel like I can go home, discuss the offer package with Rob and take it from there.

I went to see another recruitment agent yesterday with regard to some other jobs that she's put me forward for and she was very enthusiastic about the work I'd done with T4J and thought I'd be very well suited to a marketing/PR role where I can extend my creative wings and to be honest I was rather attracted by the thought. Herein lies the problem...

Life's simple pleasures

I've just witnessed the loveliest thing. Jake and I went out the front of the house (a walkway) as that's where I usually go to smoke when it's wet as there's a porch and a covered alleyway right next door to me. So we took his football out with us to have a kickabout (he's really quite good for such a young one) and whilst he was throwing the ball around and running after it he happened to notice that if he stepped in water it made a lovely splash.

So there he was, getting soaking wet trousers stomping about in puddles and squealing with delight. I just stood there watching him, giggling to myself as this was the first time he'd ever done it.

A real champagne moment.

interesting week...

Not the best of my life by a long stretch, possibly the worst start to a week this year. Monday saw me turning 31 being very ill, so ill that Rob had to take the day off to look after Jake as he had a nasty fever and was all limp and huggy (NOT like him at all). I always know when he's really feeling poorly because most of the time when he's not well he just gets up and gets on with it and is a really happy soul, but whatever was wrong was really making the poor little bugger suffer as he was just lifeless. I was laying down on the sofa and he was just laying with me, not wanting to play or anything.

Rob bought me a car stereo for my birthday and finally I can listen to music in my car again. When I got the car at Christmas it had a Ford Standard cassette deck in there which was fine enough, but the speakers were shite and I could hardly bear to listen to it at the best of times. So I managed to fit some 6 x 9's in that my brother had bought for my birthday present a few years back and I don't know what the problem was but the sound was horrendous - SO much worse than before. I gave up listening to anything in the car for a few months and so to get this CD player in was like a dream come true! I love my music, and as much as Rob and I have in common, he just can't stand to listen to my old heavy metal music (i like my old Megadeth CD's!) and my cheesy 80's stuff. Anyhoo, mostly this week I have been churning it all out, much to Jake's delight - he's a proper little rocker in the making and I even have my old 1st leather jacket in the airing cupboard waiting for him; and I'm absolutely dying to buy him some DM's... I live for the day (Rob's juat had to have some for work and shock horror! Even he thinks they're comfy as fcuk!).

Tuesday, well you can see from my last post that it was possibly the shittiest day for a long, long time. Wednesday I spent in a haze of tiredness and suicidal depression with my neighbour (feeling near enough the same), counting the hours till our respective husbands finally came home from work and by Thursday I was so glad to be nearing the end of the week it wasn't funny. Friday we (Rob, Jake and I) went out with Rob's parents to Waterfront Place in Chelmsford for my long-awaited birthday meal (it somehow fell by the wayside last year and I was dying to go back to this place) and we had a lovely time, with the single most divine pudding I have ever tasted in my life (have a look on the menu at the peanut butter thingy *Yum yum*), eating that made all my troubles disappear - just for a short time!

Saturday was a lazy day at Rob's Mum and Dad's, and Jakey had a lovely time helping Nanny and Grandad with the gardening: -

Last night was spent round at Claire's with a gaggle of girls as she was having an Ann Summers party. Normally I'd rather poke hot needles in my eyes (all-female groups make me very nervous) but I knew I had to go and although the rep was nowhere near as animated as any of the AS reps I've ever seen we had fun, and in the spirit of getting Claire a free gift I booked a party myself. Like I said, normally I'd rather poke myself in the eye with something hot and sharp but I reckon if you're with likeminded people (especially the sort like me that don't like gaggles of girly girls), then you make the evening what it is - the lingerie and cringeworthy games can be just a sideline or a small part of the experience.


This morning was interesting. Got up, came downstairs in my usual half-blind state, and when I went outside for my usual morning cigarette I could see one of our cats (Leia) acting very strangely by the back wall of the house. Upon closer inspection it transpired she'd captured a frog and I could see it was injured. I didn't want to just let it go as it had a nasty gash down it's side and also Leia had punctured the skin on it's head too. After gloving up and putting it into a lidded propagator for safety I called Claire to see what she thought. Her initial reaction was to bathe it in some very diluted antiseptic but I could see it was too serious to leave it at that so I set about calling the RSPCA, who said they'd get someone to come out and collect Hoppy at some point today.

So the rest of the day has mostly involved being knackered and lazing around trying not to do too much, but still getting knackered out in the process (WTF?? How does that work?). Made a really different lunch today, inspired by a trip to Ikea on Friday for some knobs for a friend where I bought some of their Swedish meatballs and sauce (food at Ikea? Whatever next). Just as I put the homemade potato cakes in the oven the lady from the RSPCA came to collect Hoppy and much to my horror it looked like the cut on his side had got worse from him trying to leap out of the propagator. Unless I just hadn't seen it fully when I picked him up the cut now stretched right the way across his stomach, the poor little thing. The cut wasn't so deep that his blood and guts were coming out so I really hope that he was saveable. It's really been on my mind today as I hate to see injured animals. I know that I did the best I could for him - I just hope that he'll live to appreciate it and go on to have lots more little frogspawn and tadpoles and name them after me or something.

When the lady left we got Jake up from his nap we all sat down to sunday lunch together. Nothing out of the ordinary for most people but we usually eat in the evening and have a light lunch in the day so all sat round the coffee table in the lounge together with Jake in his little "big boys" chair (as opposed to his high chair) and us flanking him he was chatting away with us, babbling Dog knows what. It was a lovely experience and one I hope to repeat on a more regular basis, especially now he's development is coming on in leaps and bounds.

He's stringing words together now too, "knock knock" for Nanny and Grandad's front door with the loud knocker, and I could've sworn he said "oh shit" on saturday (time to watch our language methinks). "More" and "Ta" go hand in hand as he's learning cause and effect. I just can't believe my son's no longer my baby anymore and is growing into a lovely charming young boy.

I'm so proud.

Crap, crap, crap

Yesterday I turned 31, not normally something that bothers me, but I start to take exception when I get ill on my birthday. I was so bad that Rob had to take the day off work to look after Jake, who was running a temperature and feeling sorry for himself all day (well I guess that makes 2 of us). I love birthdays I do, and as a rule I celebrate them from the weekend before to the weekend after and I spent all day feeling sick as a dog with an arse like a wet racecourse.

You can imagine that didn't please me too much and if yesterday I thought I couldn't feel any worse, today sure came up and bit me on the arse - it was SOOOO much worse

[selfindulgent rant] For the last 6 weeks or so I have been trying to find a job, a big step for me after being unable to work due to mental illness for many years. I have taken each knock back and rejection on the chin and last friday I was offered some temporary work for really crappy money (after childcare I would be earning less than £2 an hour), but the hours were do-able and I thought it might be a good career move as it would get something up to date on my CV (resume). I called the agency up and told them I was interested but I couldn't start on Monday as it was my birthday and already had plans. They said that's ok as there were a few that were starting on Tuesday and we'd just start our training then.

So I hauled myself out of my sick bed yesterday to go down to the agency and fill out all the official paperwork that took over an HOUR *chunder* No birthday meal for me with the family as I was so ill. Birthday ruined.

Anyways, skip to this morning and Jake had me awake at 5am but did go back to sleep(he doesn't normally rise until between 8 and 9am, so with an ill mum that's a shock to the system) and thankfully I did, Rob had to get up for work at 5:30 and after he left I had to get up and get myself and the little man up at 7 and out the door to get to my childminders' for 8:30. I did all this spectacularly well (surprisingly enough as i'm SOOO not a morning person) and managed to get to the office for 9:20am, 40 minutes early.

After showing my ID and filling out all the forms and getting my security pass I head down the road to get a coffee. I arrived back in good time and wait to be collected with another new starter. The bloke turns up and tells us that there's been "some sort of mix-up" and we wouldn't be able to work as we were ALL supposed to start on Monday. Not only was I pissed off about just been rejected for potentially 6 WHOLE FUCKING WEEKS work, I had just had to spend all my birthday money on clothes for this sodding job, pay for 2 taxis there and back (Rob had my car as his was in the garage today) AND arrange childcare at literally a moment's notice, I'd been pulling rabbits out of hats all weekend, and for WHAT???

So I try and get my head into positive mode and think "hey, at least the bad luck's just happened to me, Rob should get all the good luck for hs really important job interview today" - the law of balance and all that.

So I leave it as long as I can before I call Rob at work and give him the bad news. He goes off to his interview and around 4pm (the time that he was supposed to be going in) Claire and I are sitting in her lounge, her holding my engagement ring and me holding my wedding ring and I'm chanting for good luck. 4:30pm THE PHONE RINGS and I know it's not good news. This position had previously been held by a friend of ours that has now migrated to Spain and he knew that Rob could do this job standing on his head blindfolded. The pay difference between where he works now and this place was a lifechanging amount - potentially almost twice his regular salary. So knowing how much this means to our family is just untold amounts of pressure on my poor hubby - which he doesn't deal with too well at the best of times. Anyways he gets in the interview, they start asking questions and he just blanks out. Eventually he regretfully gives them his apologies and says that his nerves have gotten the better of him and leaves.

AS.IF.OUR.DAY.CAN'T.GET.ANY.WORSE...

Rob calls me up outside and breaks the news to me. I'm dying inside by this time and I am thinking that I want the day over and done with NOW. Rob says he's got to go and collect his car from the garage so he's gonna get the train and go get it. So I get a phonecall sometime later to tell me that the brake pads and discs needed replacing and they were working on it now. Thing is Rob had only just changed the pads less than 2 weeks ago, but he hadn't realised that the discs were shagged and that they would damage the new pads.

This has now cost us £110, for what we thought would only cost us £40.

So this has officially been the worst week this year and the worst birthday for a long time.
[/self indulgent rant]

cool picture...

I was inspired to post this by another person's photo blog. I took Jake to the park late afternoon and as we were leaving the sun was setting over the lake and all the Swans, Ducks and Geese were right up close to us so I got my trusty camera phone out and snapped this.

A little background...

I wrote this in a "baby names" topic on a Bulletin Board earlier and thought it might be a good idea to copy and paste it onto here so as to elucidate a little about Jaia, our daughter who died shortly after birth in June 2003: -

I can't help but love my late daughter's name. When I was pregnant in 2003 we'd decided Jake Robert Thomas (all my family have 2 middle names) for a boy, and Tegan Angel Rubina for a girl, all the names except for Jake were after people that were special to us: -

Jake was just cos we liked it, couldn't find a family name we wanted to use as a christian name.
Robert (my husband)
Thomas (my grandfather)

Tegan (after my friend Tina Egan who died) it means beautiful in Welsh.
Angel (her daughter, another good friend who was partially responsible for hubby and I meeting)
Rubina (my oh so precious nan. Couldn't use Ruby as my oldest friend had already named her daughter Ruby much to my chagrin).

I gave birth to my daughter on June 25th 2003 after a very quick labour and as I looked at her I realised that it wasn't Tegan, after setting my heart on the name it just wasn't her.

20 minutes after she was born she died. We spent all day in a mixture of grief and burning to give our daughter a name and I remembered I loved the name of a lady I had gone to a pre-natal aquarobics class with. Her name was Jaya (pron. Jae-a) and I remember scouring the internet after meeting her and stumbling across a more beautiful version of her name - Jaia (rhymes with liar without the "r"), coincidentally it meant the same thing as Tegan, which came as something of a random surprise. Initially we decided against Jaia on the grounds that we wanted to name our daughter in loving memory of my friend Tina Egan.

In the short time that our daughter was alive before the umbilical cord was cut we had an amazing telepathic experience together. Rob, the midwife and myself understood that there was a problem and we had already called an ambulance and were waiting for it to arrive.

Rob was understandably worried but Jaia was telling me she was okay, she wasn't hurting and she wasn't scared. She was so peaceful, and as I looked at her I knew she was a very old soul and it wasn't the first time she'd been here. She was reassuring me that everything was as it should be and not to worry. I didn't know that her fragile little body was fighting for it's life but I did know that she was at peace.

Nothing will ever change my mind from the fact that you and your baby can communicate without speech when you're still attached, and I'm almost certain that if things were meant to be different we'd have been well tuned into each other anyways. Rob and I spontaneously visited a statue of Buddha the day after Jaia's funeral and I sat down in front of him quietly, just taking it all in. I'd not been there long at all and someone or something other-worldly said to me; "Jaia came to tell you that Tegan's not ready yet." I'm a firm believer in the fact that sometimes things are just "meant to be", and although it doesn't make it hurt any less, it helped me to accept it a lot easier.

After the funeral I was talking to a very wise friend and she asked me why we chose Jaia, and I told her. Afterwards she then went onto explain that she had (unknowingly) been named after a Goddess of Peacefulness. I think her name chose her, and it was every bit as beautiful as she, my Jaia Angel.


Fast forward to now, and Jake Robert Thomas is a very heathy, very happy 18 month old spirited toddler with a wicked sense of humour who'd never have been here so soon had Tegan been "ready".

ROFPML

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have high extroversion. You are outgoing and engaging, with both strangers and friends. You truly enjoy being with people and bring energy into any situation. Enthusiastic and fun, you're the first to say "let's go!" Conscientiousness: You have medium conscientiousness. You're generally good at balancing work and play. When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done. But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it. Agreeableness: You have low agreeableness. Your self interest comes first, and others come later, if at all. In general, you feel that people are not to be trusted. And you're skeptical that anyone else really feels differently. Neuroticism: You have medium neuroticism. You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic. Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy. Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is high. In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas. You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits. A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

The Five Factor Personality Test

Some of those are spot on, but agreeableness? WTF??? I just didn't check the boxes cos the questions were too non-specific. I'm the last person to be accused of being un-agreeable, I'm always worrying about other people... Too much sometimes.

WALO Blx hehehe

and Rob's is just SO on the fence he's just had to leave the room to remove the splinters from his arse (as per usual!): -

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have medium extroversion. You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party. Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences. But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time." Conscientiousness: You have medium conscientiousness. You're generally good at balancing work and play. When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done. But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it. Agreeableness: You have medium agreeableness. You're generally a friendly and trusting person. But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism. You get along well with others, as long as they play fair. Neuroticism: You have medium neuroticism. You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic. Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy. Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is low. You're a pretty conservative person, and you favor what's socially acceptable. You think that change for novelty's sake is a very bad idea. While some may see this as boring, many see you as dependable and wise.

The Five Factor Personality Test

hahaha

In the wars

Not once, but twice today: -





He fell outside in the garden this morning before I got up while he was playing with his new football and split his bottom lip, then about 3/4 of an hour ago he was trying to climb down the back step to go and play in the garden he stacked it again and gave himself a matching fat top lip too and a coule of little grazes above and below his left eye. Instantly he rushed to Rob for cuddles and wouldn't let me near him (WTF is that all about?), so I set about getting some cotton wool and salted boiled water (ouch!) to clean it up with. Had a change of heart and ran down the local shop for some TCP and Savlon and picked up some Magic Stars for the brave little soldier.

So after protestation I cleaned him up and he's been sitting with Daddy eating his chocolate, making the direct association between the glow in the dark stars we have on the ceiling (left over from our housewarming 2 years ago!), his picture from toddler group with a big yellow star on it, some beaded bracelets with stars and his chocolate ones too. So while it was a sad moment for the Jakester it was a proud moment for Mummy and Daddy that he'd made the connection.

As I was running down the shop I realised I had known this was going to happen by way of premonition. I was in Tesco last week and picked up a bottle of Dettol thinking to myself "I really should get one of these as I'm likely to need it to clean Jake up at some point". I shouldn't be surprised as this happens more than I care to remember but being the skeptic that I am it always comes up and bites me on the arse...

Just called NHS Direct as he's had a few spots come up on him too, maybe as a result of his Pneumococcal vaccine that he had on Thursday. There are a few groups of isolated single or double spots. One on his left cheek, two on the back of his left shoulder and a couple of them down on the left of his back towards his nappy. Did the glass test and it was fine - no signs of light sensitivity or stiff neck/headache so I'm pretty sure it's not the dreaded "big M". Spoke to the nurse at NHS direct and she just gave me the usual "keep your eye on him, call us if anything changes".

Well Rob's been sitting on the floor playing with him (still not wanting to know me really) and he just leant over, puckered up and gave him a kiss - first time he's ever puckered up as opposed to the whole *open mouth* "ahhhhh"-type kiss.

So I was feeling really upset and dejected as he's been totally unresponsive to me most of the day so far; at worst he usually runs over to see me and give me a hug if I've been the one having a lie-in that day, and not a sausage. Anyway, Rob went into the kitchen to get Jake's bottle ready for his nap, came back in and said "come on Jakey, time for your nap - say night-night to Mummy" and he walked over to me, puckered up and gave me a kiss.

So I'm in tears now, tears of happiness at the simplest of things. The sweetest gesture from a son to his mother. I love my family. LOTS.



I just wish there wasn't an empty place at the dinner table cos Jaia would have made our family perfect.