Piccies of the week

So here are my favourite photos from the last week: -This one is from last Saturday when my brother Michael took us into town and decided to spoil Jake. He bought him a nice purple hoody (as modelled in the photo) a grey and purple long-sleeved T-shirt a pair of green crocodile wellies and a Thomas The Tank Engine rugby-style shirt that jake chose himself. When this picture was taken Jake (being a first generation Bazz-ite) had taken it upon himself to steal uncle Micky's baseball cap and put it on his own head... Thug! He'll be nicking cars and mugging grannies before we know it! The Thomas rugby shirt he chose is being modelled in the 1st photowhoring picture just a little further below in last weekend's post.

The second one was from Monday when Jake and Isobel went to playgroup together and Jake was lagging so she decided to gee him up a bit. We'd suggested she go and hold his hand but Queen Bel-Bels decided that in her infinite wisdom and power she'd grab hold of his reins and say "Come On Jakey" and tug him there herself!

Jake and I went round to Claire's and Jake and Isobel were playing with her Mr Potato Heads and Jake's suddenly picked up on the fact that Mr Potato Head has glasses, like his Nannies do, so he thought it'd be funny if he put them on too (or, at least get Mummy to put them on him).

Thank Dog it's Friday...

It's been a funky week here, I'm [i]so[/i] glad it's over. I'm falling apart, My RSI/tendonitis is playing up in my left wrist (thanks to Dad for the childhooh abuse), I pulled a muscle in my back in my sleep the other night and I had to have an x-ray on my right foot last friday cos of a pokey-outey bone just above my arch. It's been pokey-outey as long as I can remember but up till now it's only given me grief when I've done loads of walking. Now it's just flared up for no reason at all, except the reason I reckon is it's my birthday in just over a week and "The Powers That Be"(tm) have decided in their infinite wisdom to remind me that I'm not some lithe little twenty-something anymore (not that I was any more lithe and little in my twenties than I am now) and should start acting my age.

So couple this up with chasing round after a toddler all week I'm feeling pukka thankyouverymuch.

Jobhunting seems to have got me nowhere this week either, Jake's had his pneumococcal (sp?) vaccination and was a very brave boy - so brave that Janet "the-nurse-who's-as-mad-as-a-box-of-frogs" gave him two stickers. although if truth be told I think Mummy earned one of them cos ths was the first time she had to take Jakey into get a jab (she doesn't like them needles), and he did squirm a little when I heard a squishy noise coming from the needle *ewwwww* [i]*shudders[/i].

I reckon it's getting near the time where we start to introduce a potty into the house as he's making associations between the verbal noise "psss-psss" and the toilet. He's been au fait with that for a couple of weeks now and last night when Rob was doing the bathtime-bedtime routine with him the bath was running, they were stripped down (just block the mental images) and Rob was going to the loo. At this point Jake made the usual "psss-psss" noise and then when rob had finished and followed Jake into the bathroom Jake just stood there, said "psss-psss" and peed on the floor. Now most people would just think *[i]nice[/i]* (as Rob did, so consequently didn't tell me till later) but when he did tell me I said that it was a huge milestone - Jake making the association between a sound, a place and HIS OWN bodily function. It was a proud moment for me when I heard!

So like I said before, it's been a funky week (hence the funky pumpkin orange font); Claire and I are looking into horseriding, Rob's been cooking (twice, and not beans on toast either!), I STILL haven't got a job (prolly just as well considering I'm aching everywhere at various points) and Jake needs a potty or two...

I can't [i]wait[/i] to see what the weekend brings, can you? [i]*edit* Who needs to wait? The bloody font size has a gremlin in it already, pfft! and it's not even friday the 13th yet...

Time for some photowhoring...

And with that header I take great pleasure in introducing my son Jake to you all: -



and I have to be tremendously grateful to Rob for seizing the moment earlier in his Nan's kitchen and taking this wicked photo. It really captures his cheeky side whilst showing you lot that I actually produced something THIS CUTE from the fruit of my very own ovaries...

*takes a bow*

Made For Each Other!

Apparently I'm a Newborn Soul: -

You Are a Newborn Soul

You are tolerant, accepting, and willing to give anyone a chance. On the flip side, you're easy to read and easily influenced by others. You have a fresh perspective on life, and you can be very creative. Noconformist and nontraditional, you've never met anyone who's like you. Inventive and artistic, you like to be a trendsetter. You have an upbeat spirit and you like almost everything. You make friends easily and often have long standing friendships. Implusive and trusting, you fall in love a little too easily. Souls you are most compatible with: Bright Star Soul and Dreaming Soul

And Rob's a Dreaming Soul: -

You Are a Dreaming Soul

Your vivid emotions and imagination takes you away from this world So much so that you tend to live in your head most of the time You have great dreams and ambitions that could be the envy of all... But for you, following through with your dreams is a bit difficult You are charming, endearing, and people tend to love you. Forgiving and tolerant, you see the world through rose colored glasses. Underneath it all, you have a ton of passion that you hide from others. Always hopeful, you tend to expect positive outcomes in your life. Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul, Prophet Soul, and Traveler Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

So tell us something we didn't already know! How is it that I never seem to have too much time on my hands but I always seem to make it look like I do?

*ponders*

Pffffft! Finally,

I have got round to putting up all my wedding photos onto Photobucket. Found a nifty little Beta-thingy called Flock that helps you upload loads of piccies at once, I did 146 in one go (it struggled with 196 and only did the first 40 - but that's why it's still a Beta). If you're interested and wanna be nosey in my photo album then clicky here

[queen bitch rant mode]
Fuck me, families are really hard work sometimes, aren't they? Especially when they're not your own cos then you have to make twice as much effort to stay on the right side of 'em. Was trying to make sure I hadn't completely alienated myself by putting my foot in my mouth the other week and ended up shooting myself in the other one. Just cos I was being consciencious She-who-shall-remain-nameless thought it was her right to tell me exactly what was wrong me from her little perfect glasshouse where-she-can-do-no-wrong. The thing is, she's FAR from perfect herself and I'm the one person that has been friendly to her when certain other members of the family (who shall also remain nameless) spoke less than decently about her. At least if I have a problem with someone I try to sort it out as soon as possible, face to face - and I'd NEVER say anything behind someone's back that I wouldn't say to their face.

All this cos I made a joke that went down like a lead balloon. You know sometimes I'm funny, sometimes I'm not but the thing about it is that there is never any maliciousness, only humourous intent. I got to the stage talking with this person that I thought to myself "why in hell am I bothering?" Fuck it, if you can't take a joke then bollocks, it's not my problem.


Grow a fucking sense of humour.

*gets coat*

[/queen bitch rant mode]

Time flies...

so I've heard, and I can't believe it's been a whole week since I have managed to post something on here. Jake's not been well, I've been getting over my summer cold and now Rob's on his way down with it. BOOO!

After taking a couple of days off from jobhunting the week before cos of my cold, I started actively bombarding the agencies again this week and still nothing. The end of summer is always a quiet time cos the graduates have nicked all the good jobs and left the dregs for everyone else. Oh to be a student again; I'd love to go to university but I'm too damn old now and besides I'm a crap academic - ask me to write an essay over 1000 words and I'm stuffed, unless it's something i know really well and then try keeping me to the point and not wandering off on a tangent somewhere.

Speaking of tangents I was talking about jobhunting, wasn't I?

So no news this past week. Went up for a couple of things but not particularly hopeful, just cos my morale has slipped now but whatever.

Sad today as we had to say goodbye to some friends who are leaving next Saturday to live in Spain. We didn't see them much these days but they were one of the first couples I met through P4A (a bulletin board for real-time friends) a few months before I met Rob back in 2002. Even though we never got to see each other except on rare occasions I'm really going to miss them (on the BB as much as in person).

So farewell John and Molly, Bon Voyage and Bonne Chance (written in French cos I can't speak Spanish and it sounds more exotic than in English!).

Went to Sofa Sundaze at the 491 Gallery in Leytonstone to see John and Molly off earlier and although we've been there once before, we've never made it during the day. It's a really nice space to meet with friends and chill out and considering it's a squat (a legal one at that - from what I gather owned by Mayor Ken nonetheless and he's permitted the folks to use it for their projects) it's a lot cleaner than ones I've visited before. Jake had a nice time in the Kids Area, playing with cars and "duck-ducks" and we got his overalls on and we managed to get his hand and footprints onto canvas today (bought from the 99p shop in Leytonstone from what I've been told - that's what I call a bargain!). I'm really looking forward to framing them and putting them up in the house somewhere, either the lounge or the dining room, not sure yet.

They've got a really cool massive concrete firepit with arena-seating round the outside of it so you can keep warm... until you have to run away cos the smoke is making you choke to death! Looking to going to one of their "proper" parties at some point, I know we'll be at a private party there in November but aside from that I would like to see what other kind of all-nighter's they pull off in that space.

I started writing this around 9pm and it's now gone 1am. Not because I have been procrastinating but Jake's been almost inconsolable with his teething tonight poor little mite. He wouldn't let either of us near him, let alone hold him to comfort him or anything; I just felt totally powerless as I sat there and watched this poor little toddler screaming and thrashing and writhing around in obvious agony whilst grabbing his mouth and ear. I tried bringing him water in loads of different vessles to chew on, frozen carrot sticks, celery and he wouldn't even let me give him some Ashton and Parsons teething powders which he's normally so good in taking. It got to the stage where Rob had to hold Jake down on his cot mattress whilst I syringed calpol into his mouth with a pinched nose. I felt absolutely awful as he was screming the house down, to the point where I called NHS direct and just said to them "look, I've tried everything, what else can I do?" Typically, by the time the nurse had called back the Calpol had kicked in and he was all dopey and dozy cuddled up on Rob's shoulder. 15 minutes of cuddles with me later and he was in his bed and I held his hand and stroked his head for another 5 minutes till he went to sleep.


So (I daresay) I'd best go get some sleep till the Calpol wears off again and ting. *yawn* wish us luck for a good night's sleep, Rob's gotta go to work in t'morning too, poor bugger.

Taters (in sleepy green @ 01:13) x

a satisfying weekend...

Well, can't say I've actually *done* that much this weekend, but it's been nice - for that very reason I think. Saturday was mostly spent waiting for a call from Rob's mum to let us know when and where we were meeting up, then popping into town for a couple of bits and not actually managing to do most of what was needed. Mainly because we had to dash to Rob's mum and dad's for 5pm so we could see them before they went off on holiday. Spent a while with them then got Jake back to bed for around 8pm.

Bleached my hair and learned a valuable lesson in the process - that being NOT to put the toner on after bleaching; it had ammonia in it and it burned like you wouldn't believe. Imagine how much it would hurt if your hand was being forcibly held over a lit gas ring, and held there for minutes, not seconds. IT.BURNED.THAT.MUCH!

Decided it might be better to abandon the ash-blonde toning effort and wash it all off on account of my head feeling like the fires of hell and thought I'd reward my sensible decision with a large Baileys, or two...

Rob joined me and we proceeded to play the "I have never..." game, which wasn't as (either) insightful or depraved as I'd hoped, but interesting nonetheless. Polished off the Baileys (well that was a given!) and finally went to sleep around 3:30am *yawn*.

Thankfully I got up with Jake Saturday morning (we'd "rock, paper, scissors'd" for it, Rob chose!), so I was allowed a lie-in this morning and STILL Rob came in to wake me up when he took Jake up for his nap just to warn me that Jake might have a little whinge and wake me up (WTF is that all about?). Kinda misses the point there, doesn't it? One day I might get a lie-in where I actually get to wake up and get up when I want, but you know what? I'm not holding out much hope for a while. I'll just have to make do with whatever I get for the time being.

So my first three waking hours were surprisingly quiet and chilled, given that Jake was asleep upstairs and so Rob and I slouched about on the sofa watching "The Blue Planet" on UKTV History. Funny thing is that I've been wanting to see some real Anglerfish since Finding Nemo sparked my interest and I googled for piccies of them; and what do you know? One of the episodes featured mega-deep sealife (like, thousands of metres down, as opposed to the measly 18m that I'm qualified to dive to). I just sat there in complete awe, my jaw dropping on a regular basis while I was listening to David Attenborough explaining all about things that I'll never get to see in my lifetime.

Finally, around 3pm Jake woke up and it was off to Lakeside to complete the mission that we'd started yesterday. Got Jake his chubby crayons at the ELC (ooh, how exciting, I hear you say... welcome to my life!), and proceeded to New Look in the vain hope of finding some a top for me to wear to a job interview. As luck would have it (which it NEVER usually does for me when clothes shopping on a mission) not only did I find a really nice white shirt, but also a really smart pair of trousers and some boots that I know Rob wants me to model wearing clothes slightly less suitable for officewear ifyouknowwhatImean ;o)

I'm not thinking about the overdraft for the time being, the end justifying the means in so much as this now means I can get myself into a position of getting a job and paying it all off. Ho Hum, back on the ladder and all that. Let's just hope that I am well enough to be able to stick at it without falling ill again...

Here endeth the weekend :o( - it's been fun, and looking forward to the next one already :o)

Seconds out, round three!

Just nipped outside for a quick smoke before bed and the clouds rolled across the sky like James Herberts "The Fog". It's started raining again and I can hear the distant rumbling of thunder letting us know another storm's on it's way...

Armageddon..?

I didn't take these, but this is a pretty accurate description of the storm tonight...


OMFG! Just witnessed the most amazing storm I've ever seen in my life, it was a real doozie! The sky was lit up all shades of purple, yellow and white. Fork lightning like you've never seen before, except in movies and on nature programmes, streaking in witches fingers across the sky. I had easily been watching from my back door for 45 minutes, and I could have quite happily stayed there another 45 as it went on for a good couple of hours. The lightning made so many different shapes; spidering like tree branches, forking horizontally, vertically and even making the number 6 at one point during the unmissable display of mother nature's ultimate power.

Absolutely awesome, something I will remember for the rest of my life...

Fishies...

In the days leading up to us going away, Jake developed a growing fascination with the film Finding Nemo, and I at times found myself watching it in almost as much awe as him, thinking to myself "I wonder if we'll see this fish or that one". By the time we got to go out on the boat I was almost beside myself with excitement, being something of a wildlife fanatic. So you can imagine my serendipitous joy when the very first fish I saw on my first underwater descent was a Clownfish (and no, he didn't try and tell any poor jokes, he left that to me lol). Since we've returned I'm watching 'Nemo and catching myself thinking "Seen that one, and that one", if only I could remember their proper names, and not their character's names from the film I might actually make a good naturalist.


The fish to the left is called a Rainbow Parrotfish, and we saw more of these than I can remember to count. Their colours underwater are stunning, and I can imagine that they are as individual as a human fingerprint.

The little flouro fishy I can't remember the proper name of, but for the duration of the holiday I called them "Lara-fish" as the pink is my absolute favourite colour. Again we saw more of these than I can recall, and every single time it was a pleasure.

more pics

It's amazing how weightless you feel when you're underwater, considering everything you're carrying, but you sure know about it when you're trying to climb the ladder back on to the boat - most ungainly!





In this one I just felt like I was flying, in one of our dives Rob and I stretched our arms out, held hands and felt just like Peter Pan and Wendy, it was magical!













This is Rob, looking totally serene. although I think I have it on good authority that even remembering how to breathe can be somewhat of an challenge...










...but then you get to a point where there's so much to look at, you just forget about everything you *think* you're supposed to remember, like your breathing technique and stuff and it all comes completely naturally. Nothing else matters as you float around in this place that feels like a dreamland and you are completely powerless to do anything but gaze around in breathtaking wonderment like a child at Hamleys.

Something I'll truly never forget...

another pic...

That's me on the left and Rob on the right. This stoopid blogger thing isn't letting me post more than one pic at a time at the moment so I've had to do this the hard way *grrrrrr*

Back before you know it

just thought I'd stick up some piccies from Egypt, some I'll post here and some further above (problems publishing more than a couple at the mo). Amongst them are a rather graceful looking but dangerous Lionfish which I was belly to belly with on one of my first dives, and a Blue Spotted Stingray which Similarly I came face to face with. Strangely enough I was pretty wary of the Lionfish and not at all worried about the Stingray, then I come home and am greeted with the news of the tragic demise of Steve Irwin at the barb of a White Spotted Stingray. Poor bastard, he would *have* to be the lonely statistic of being one of only 4 people killed by a Ray in Oz. My heart goes out to his wife and kids, although I reckon he wouldn't have minded ending his days at the mercy of an animal. At least he couldn't say it was a creature he knew well or he'd have looked a bit foolish eh?

RIP Steve, I think you did a fantastic job of raising the profile of wildlife conservation into the eyes of children again. 'Nuff respect.

Jet-Lagged!

Man I'm knackered! Still haven't managed to shake the (measly 2 hour) time difference off yet. For someone who usually goes to bed between 12 and 1am I'm ready for bed around half ten.

Despite the absence of any energy I have managed to do loads this week, including update my CV, contact 6 agencies and interview with 2 of them, apply for 3 jobs AND vacuum the stairs; I can safely say that the stair-vacuuming was by far the most sweaty and exhausting, being as how most of the time I was lugging not only the bloody hefty Dyson about, but also a petrified toddler (he hates the noise).

Anyway, 'moff to enjoy a bit of peace and quiet, shall post some more holiday pics soon,

t'raaaa

Home again!

Well, we're back from Egypt and there's a pile of washing the size of Mt Sinai but I don't care, we had a magical holiday. No lie-ins and totally exhausted but definitely a holiday of a lifetime. We arrived at our hotel around midnight local time (10pm BST) after leaving my Mum's in Kent around 9:30am. Had to be at the Ocean College Dive centre at 8am (which was still 6am to us) AND had to have eaten too...

The next 3 days were spent as follows; Sun/Mon/Tues mornings in the classroom (trying to stay awake) and afternoons doing our confined water training in the hotel pool. The theory was so brain-crunching, learning all about Nitrogen Narcosis, Decompression Sickness and all the physiology of water pressure I was sure I was going to fail so on Wednesday afternoon you could've knocked me down with a feather when I found out I'd only got 2 questions wrong in the final exam! I have to admit though, I got to the questions on dive planning and completely blanked out, all the mathematical-type formula that we'd only covered that morning had completely left my brain. I sat and stared at the questions for over half an hour totally clueless and it wasn't until Rob sat back and laughed (I thought he was laughing cos he'd got it sorted, how wrong I was - he'd just totally blanked out too!), then all of a sudden 'BING'! and I just seemed to develop a "sod it" mentality and have a go.

Anyway, loads more to tell, but I'm knackered and I'll do some more tonight when Jake's gone to bed.

End of Part 1.


To be continued... in Aquamarine

*Bleurgh*

Today I officially feel like the dregs in the bottom of the drain. After spending the whole of the morning and some of the afternoon on Saturday hanging round London waiting for Rob's passport we got caught in a few light showers and hey presto! I've got the dreaded summer cold.

Afterwards we went to the cemetery in Greenford to visit my daughter Jaia's grave and to take off my long-dead wedding bouquet. Jake really spooked me out while we were there; we were giving Rob some quiet time at the graveside and as we were walking back up he pointed over to her grave and in baby-babble said something which I could have sworn sounded like "daughter".

When we were finished there we popped down the road to Wembley to see my mate Claire and her family. We gave Jake his dinner and needless to say we ended up staying for dinner too. Dinner turned into lounging around on the sofa and before we knew it we were watching the end of "The Green Mile" on Film Four which was sometime just after midnight. Reluctantly we had to drive the 50 mile journey home and trying to get Jake back off to sleep when we got home was a nightmare, to the point where I had to go and sleep on the camp-bed in his room most of the night. I finally made it back into my bed around 9:30am, Jake still soundly asleep. We all woke up around 11:30am and I felt like I'd been run over by a bulldozer with this summer cold, so indeed Bleurgh!

The snotmonster is here and my head feels like it's made of lead... NOT GOOD.

We got our tickets through for our honeymoon and thanks to a nifty bit of e-observation I've managed to get us 2 free passes into the VIP lounge at the airport, which in this time of heightened security will (hopefully) be a bit quieter and a LOT more comfortable.


Since Friday I have been reading a book called "Basics of Buddhism". I won't go into the long story of it (too ill and can't be arsed) but something I read in it the other day links back to a massive spiritual experience I had about 3 years ago and loads of things clicked into place. Suffice to say that back then I was given a message which, upon reading this book translates into one of the main Buddhist meditation chants, "Nam Myoho Renge Kyo" - otherwise known as the heart of the Lotus. I hope I can keep my head into this book as things are making sense after a long spiritual drought, mostly caused by having no time to call my own. I have the 4 and a half hour flight each way, and hopefully a bit of time while we're on holiday so I'd really like to finish it.

It's Rob's birthday on Friday, I wonder what 32 feels like(?!?), probably the same as 31 and 30 I suppose but with a few more grey hairs eh? We're off out for a curry with his Mum and Dad on his actual birthday and hopefully if our friend comes through with some tickets we'll be off to "V" with a couple of day passes for Saturday or Sunday. Failing that we've got Martin (Rob's best man) coming over for the day on Saturay, which will be cool whatever we do. Have to go into town today to get Rob's birthday card - hehehe first "hubby" one, it's gonna wig me out cos it sounds like I'm all grown up and stuff (which clearly I'm not). I still feel like I'm a little kid playing in the "big kids" playground - marriage, mortgage, kids etc., I feel like such a fraud!

Anyway, I've rambled on enough for now - I just thought I'd better post something as it's been nearly a week and I've said nothing on here. Hopefully I'll be feeling better before we go away; 3 days coming, 3 days here, 3 days leaving is what they say I think...

Wish me luck (lol I'd originall typo-ed "wish me muck", sounds about right!).

Today's post was brought to you in snotmonster bogey Green.

*Sniff*

*Excited*

Well we've finally gone and booked our honeymoon and I'm SOOOOOO excited! We're off to Egypt for a week and we're going to learn to scuba dive. We're staying in Sharm El Sheikh, about 10 minutes away from Naama Bay at the Ocean Club Hotel - have a look here:- http://www.explorers.co.uk/HotelHome.aspx?HotelID=10

First we have to pass all the indoor training, which is at the Ocean Diving College in the resort. They have a classroom and use one of the Hotel's pools for the practical tuition. From what I can gather there are about 4 open water sites they use and we'll probably visit 2 or 3, provided we pass the first part of the course. The ones I know the name of are "Temple" and "Fiddle Garden"(!) which is supposed to be somewhere between "Far-" and "Middle Garden".

I've been having a look at the "dive sites - new" section on www.sinaidivers.com and they are quite far apart, which means with any luck we'll get to see loads of different type of sealife in each different site (can you tell I'm a complete novice?!!). Gonna do a bit more research later about Red Sea marine life, but so far I've found out that we'll quite likely be seeing some Parrotfish, Napoleon Wrasse (whatever they are, one armed and smelling of garlic maybe?!) and as cheesily posted on the website, we'll probably bump into some "Nemo's" (aka Clownfish if you're feeling particularly stupid today). Will definitely be investing in some underwater disposable cameras and if we are lucky enough to see one I'm going to do my best to get a piccy for Bel-Bel (Laney's daughter/our bridesmaid) as she's Nemo-mad!

The best bit about all this is that we don't have long to wait - we leave in 16 days!

Rob starts his new job on the Monday after we get back which will be good too. Last night we also booked our annual £9.50 holiday-out-of-the-paper. Last year we went down to Devon for my 30th birthday, and despite us having a lovely time, for the sake of a long weekend we really didn't fancy a 7 hour drive with a restless toddler. Next year (we're going for the weekend after Jake's 2nd birthday) we're making a considerably shorter journey to Clacton-on-Sea; which I haven't visited since the days of the annual seaside day trips I used to be taken on when my Grandad worked for the BOC over 25 years ago!

Anyway, enough for now - I could go on excitedly for ages and there's a million and one things I need to do before Jake wakes up (makes mental not not to waste too much time on Boing).

Today was brought to you by the letters O and K and by the excitable colour Teal.

Peas.

L
xx

Twice in one night? Whatever next???

As I mentioned earlier, my fridge is now proudly sporting Jake's first drawing, titled "Wet Thursday". It's an interesting subjective-abstract piece where the artist has used a mixed media of wax crayon and coloured pencil to create a veritable plethora of emotion using various drawing styles and colouring techniques. Upon close examination you can almost feel his frustration at being kept indoors, the howling wind outside echoing his own cabin-fevered cries which make their mark on the paper. Ahem. Proud mother? Me? Never! Was interesting keeping his hands on the paper though, and not on all the furniture. Well, I like it anyway!

This message was brought to you in beaming yellow...

And so arrives the weekend...

Not before time I can tell you! This week has dragged on longer than an omnibus of Hollyoaks. Thought I was going to get a bit of time to write some time to have a proper chat with myself on here, but it seems Jake's got other ideas as he's now awake and expecting his lunch so I'll have to keep this fairly brief.

Rob's finally handed in his notice at work today, so I think he'll be glad to see 5:30. With this being his first major job move I expect emotions are running high in the office for him right now.

In other news Jake's done his first drawing, which I'll scan and post when I get onto the other pooter (this one isn't hooked up to the scanner, and t'other one isn't hooked up to t'internet), along with a nice little critique ;o)

Anyhoo, best be off. Places to go, people to see and children to feed...

Today is...... lilac. Calmly sliding in to the weekend.

Laters

Grey Day, *literally*.

The weekend's over, the next one isn't even remotely in sight and I'm bored of this week already. Welcome to "Comedown Tuesday." Rant, blah and buggeration xo(

Rob got offered a new job yesterday and I know I'm supposed to be feeling happy, somehow I'm not. I've spent the last three years telling him to leave because the pay's crap, they really take advantage of his nature (they have zero people skills) and for I don't know how long they've been making loads of grand promises they never keep. This DOESN'T exactly make for a happy working environment and I know it's been taking it's toll on our relationship.

What makes the whole situation worse is that now he's finally taking the leap I can't help but feel sorry for myself cos he's going to have to do shiftwork. I feel really selfish and guilty because of the way I feel.

I know that marriages are all about give and take, and parenthood is about giving unconditionally; I just kind of feel that I'm going to be doing a lot of giving for not a whole lot to keep me topped up in return. I suppose that I should be feeling grateful that I have a loving husband that thinks nothing about slogging his guts out for 40-50 hours a week AND that doesn't spend all his home time moaning about it. Here i am, the ingrate, sitting here feeling sorry for myself cos I feel like I haven't got a life of my own.

That's not *strictly* true. I guess that right now I don't have a say in what path my life takes; being such an independant person I hate feeling so reliant on someone else and it just doesn't sit comfortably with me. I hate not having money to call my own, I hate not being able to make decisions about my own life because I have to just take the last pickings from the table and support everyone else.

I feel like I have no control over my life at the moment, I have no decisions to make for myself, the most flexible my days are (decision-wise) is "what baby group is Jake going to today?" I remember a time when I was bored (oh for boredom itself!), I'd just get up and sign up for a college course. Now I have no money to call my own I can't do that. I can't remember a time when I could make a decision for myself but I know that it was pre-Jake.

Pathetic, isn't it? I'm supposed to be happy right now. I've got a beautiful (if somewhat stroppy) toddler, I got married to the most wonderful man in the world only a month ago and we own our own home - so why do I feel so down...

I need to take some time out for me (heh!) and try and rediscover my happy place.

I reckon that's half the problem. I was really looking forward to going away with my friend for some child-free, responsibility-free time where I was planning on re-grouping, re-focusing and re-centering myself and coming back feeling refreshed. Due to circumstances beyond our control she had to cancel and I guess it's hit me like a tonne of bricks. There seemed to be a light at the end of the tunnel and now there's been an extension stuck onto the the end of indiscernible length.

Today, is not a good day.